


The vow

by Scissiors



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Chapter 2 has some angst yikes, Cuddling, Fluff and Angst, Gay Panic, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Joshua gets traumatized for the rest of his life, Julius has some issues too, Julius tries to learn about RBD, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Indulgent, Subaru is dense, Subaru realizes he likes Julius and vice-versa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:47:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 32,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27430753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scissiors/pseuds/Scissiors
Summary: Julius notices that there is something greatly troubling Subaru one day, which motivates him to question Subaru about it.  He promptly gets a glimpse into a side of Subaru that not even the closest to him are aware of.  Greatly concerned for his friend after what he had just saw, Julius decides to uncover the mysteries that surround the enigma that is Natsuki Subaru.  That is, of course, if Subaru and a certain jealous witch let him.
Relationships: Julius Juukulius | Julius Euclius/Natsuki Subaru
Comments: 89
Kudos: 276





	1. The Vow

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by I don't hate your guts (and I wish you didn't hate mine) by Welsper  
> and by Re: Julius Juukulius life in Another World From Zero by Airplane_daddy

Julius knew there was something off about Natsuki Subaru that day the moment he laid eyes on him that day. Ever since he and Subaru bound their senses via next almost a year prior in their fight against Beteguese, Julius felt like he was in tune with Subaru’s emotions, and could tell what he was really feeling. That day, his smile felt forced and his laughs felt faked. Julius noticed something was off immediately and dragged him to the Juukulius estate to question him. In order to respect his privacy, Julius made sure he interrogated him in the most private part of his household, his private study and bedroom.

“What’s the cause of you bringing me here today?” Subaru asked, slightly confused. “Have you finally realized that I am cooler than you and you brought me here so I can give you some advice?” Subaru teased.

Julius’ eyes narrowed. He didn’t buy Subaru’s act for a second. “There’s something wrong with you today, isn’t there?” Julius asked, slamming the door to his study shut behind him. “Are you hurt? Overworked? Are you feeling ill, perhaps?”

Subaru dropped his confident act immediately. He stood there frozen, his arms wrapped around his body, and his eyes glued to the ground.

Julius furrowed his brows in concern. “Answer me. Is there something bothering you?” He placed his hands on his friend’s shoulders and gripped them tightly.

Subaru only replied in silence. He bit down on his lip until it bled.

Noticing the little bit of blood, Julius loosened his grip. “Subaru!” Panicked, he released his grip on Subaru’s shoulders and began rummaging his pockets for his handkerchief. “If telling me brings you discomfort,” Julius said as he pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket “you do not have to tell me.” He reached toward Subaru’s lip to wipe the blood off.

However, before he could do so, Subaru grabbed both of the knight’s hands and guided them back to his shoulders.

“I-” Subaru began to stutter. His eyes began to stray from the floor but soon sank down to the floor before they could meet Julius’ intense gaze. “I-I-I” He mumbled. His entire body shivered as he struggled to form a sentence. Subaru stood there, trembling, trying and failing to voice everything he was thinking and feeling.

After a few seconds, Subaru finally summoned up the courage to look at the knight’s eyes.

Subaru’s eyes were watering, and they reminded Julius of a dam that was about to burst. His eyes, the ones usually filled with so much happiness and joy, were an abyss of despair and agony. There was so much sadness, so much sorrow. Those eyes were of someone who had seen too much. Experienced too much. Julius had seen those eyes before, on the battlefield, and in the destruction it always left behind. It belonged to the mothers who were cradling the corpse of their only child, and to the old war veteran, whose village’s destruction reminded them of the time that they spent in hell.

Those eyes did not belong to someone as young as Subaru. _What did Subaru experience for him to end up like this?_ Julius wondered. _Who did this to him?_ For the first time in a while, anger began to build up in his chest.

“Hold me” Subaru whispered, his voice barely audible enough for Julius to hear. Nevertheless, it managed to interrupt Julius’s ponderings. The purple-haired man immediately pulled in Subaru and wrapped his arms around him in an embrace. The handkerchief fell to the floor, forgotten.

Subaru nestled his head on Julius’ neck and right shoulder, which sent a flush to the knight’s face. Warm tears began to stream down Subaru’s face as he began to sob uncontrollably.

“I’m so alone.” Subaru confessed, in between sobs. “The pain- no matter how much I want to describe it, I can’t. I physically can’t. I have to suffer.. all by myself. If I do open up, then bad … things will happen.” Subaru began to shiver uncontrollably, and his words gave way to blubbering and wordless sobbing.

“Subaru, I..” Julius said, horrified at the mental state his friend was in. _He seems to be unable to speak about this without hurting himself._ Julius thought to himself. _However, him not opening up about his suffering is what made him be like this. I.. don’t know what to do._ Julius silently cursed himself for being too cowardly to make a decision.

“You probably-hic- think I am crazy, don’t you?” Subaru accused, noticing Julius’ concerned expression. “What I say doesn’t make any sense. How can I be alone when I‘m surrounded by people who are my friends? I’m sorry I’m not always the happy-go-lucky guy that you and everybody else thought I was. I’m a worthless lying coward who deserves to be alone. I know you don’t believe what I’m saying, so It's okay if you want to stop talking to-”

“ I believe you.” Julius blurted out.

“Huh?” Subaru said, dumbfounded.

“I believe you. While I can’t comprehend what you went and are going through, I still believe you.” Julius repeated himself. “And don’t you _dare_ talk to yourself like that, Natsuki Subaru.” Julius added, his voice trembling with emotion. “You are my friend. I would never leave you because you are in pain. You call yourself a liar and a coward, but I know you are one of the most honest and brave people in Lugunica.”

Julius grabbed Subaru’s cheeks and looked at him straight in the eyes. “It wasn’t me, Reinhard, or any of the other royal knights or retainers who were responsible for killing the white whale, It was you. You were the one who put the end to four hundred years of bloodshed. I saw your bravery on the battlefield, and I can say for sure that you are the bravest person I met. Felix, Reinhard, Willhelm, Ram, Otto, Emilia, Beatrice, and many others know this, and are your friends too.” Julius said, squeezing Subaru’s trembling form against his chest. “You helped me and many others. Please don’t isolate yourself like this any longer, Subaru. Let me, us, help you out for once.” Julius begged. Julius began to blink away at the tears forming at his eyes, too. _I’m a horrible friend. How did I not notice you were going through all of this sooner?_ Julius frowned to himself.

“Why?” Subaru asked.

“Pardon?” Julius asked.

“Why? Why do you believe me?”

 _Because you are my friend._ Julius thought to himself. He wanted to say it out loud, but something felt off about the statement. _Isn’t he my friend?_ Julius thought. . Julius was most definitely fond of Subaru and his strange ways. _If anything, I am too fond of Subaru for him to be my friend._ And then it clicked.

 _Oh no._ Julius thought, almost out loud.

The weird flutter in his chest whenever Subaru entered his eyesight. The fact he seemed to laugh and smile more at Subaru’s antics than anybody else's. How Subaru was able to get under his skin unlike anybody else could. Why seeing Subaru react overdramatically to whatever snarky remark he made him laugh so hard.

 _Love. I am hopelessly in love with Natsuki Subaru._ Julius began to panic. _What if the others found out about my feelings for him? I’ll never hear the end of this-_

“Julius?” Subaru asked, wiping his nose on Julius’ knight Uniform. Julius quickly pushed away the childish thoughts in his and forced himself to answer Subaru’s question.

“You are… my friend.” Julius replied. “I thought that was abundantly clear to you by now.”

 _This is clearly not the proper time to confess to him._ Julius thought to himself. _If I confess my feelings to him now, I may be accidentally taking advantage of his mental state. He may say yes not because he is into me, but because he is afraid of being left alone._

“My friend.” Subaru repeated. More tears began to trickle down his cheeks as he began to tremble, and sank deeper into Julius’ embrace. Subaru could feel Julius’ heartbeat hammer against his own as if their souls began to go in sync. A feeling of warmth began to spread in Subaru’s body. He felt safe. Secure. He felt as if the rabbits that ate away at his sanity whenever he closed his eyes couldn’t reach him, as if Typhon’s authority of pride could no longer break him into many pieces like a set of fine china as if Roswaal and his cruel plans to build his resolve could no longer hurt him nor his friends. Subaru noticed he wasn’t crying not only tears of sadness, but also tears of.. Joy? It didn’t make sense. The one thing Subaru knew is that he didn’t want to let go of Julius’ embrace.

Noticing his counterpart’s positive shift in behavior, Julius smiled to himself, and he began to rock himself back and forth in an attempt to further calm Subaru.

Some time passed, neither Julius nor Subaru knew how long, and Subaru noticed he stopped crying. Julius noticed this too, but didn’t let go of Subaru.

Of course, he’s being courteous. Subaru thought to himself. _He’s still sir asshole knight, after all._ Subaru felt a pang of guilt for forcing Julius to hug him for so long (Plot twist: Julius was doing so _very_ willingly on his own accord) but it felt so good that Subaru did not want to let go.

Subaru began to realize his eyelids felt heavy, and he made the fatal mistake of blinking, which doomed him to fall asleep.

“Subaru?” Julius poked Subaru’s cheek before realizing he was asleep.

 _Crap._ Julius thought to himself in a very unknightly manner.

Panicking, Julius looked around the room for inspiration for what to do in this situation. _I shouldn’t wake him up,_ Julius decided. _He overworks himself all the time, so the more sleep he gets the better._ Julius was too embarrassed to admit it, but he didn’t want to let go of Subaru either, so putting him to rest in a bed wasn’t an option either. _The chair!_ Julius realised. _I’ll just sit down at my desk and put him on top of me. He gets to sleep, and I .. don't have to change my sheets._

Julius followed through with his plan, and soon found himself sitting in a chair, with Subaru sitting on top of him, which allowed Julius’ mind to wander astray.

_Do people already know I am in love with Subaru? Julius asked himself._

Then, the second realization hit him. _Everybody already knows._

The teasing look Lady Anastasia gave him whenever he and Subaru were together. The fact that Felix often came over to give him tips on how to improve his style before the occasions where Subaru would dine at the Juukulius manor. The awkward pats on the back Reinhard would give before claiming he had “Sword saint business” to do and leaving Subaru and him in weirdly romantic places. Even Joshua, Julius’ brother, warmed up to Subaru and even began recommending books to Julius that he thought Subaru would like.

 _Was my crush on him that obvious to everyone except for me?_ Julius wondered his face flushing red despite his best efforts not to.  
After a few minutes of panicking, Julius raised his hands to cover his flushed cheeks but accidentally hit a sleeping Subaru, waking him up. _This really isn’t my day, huh?_ Julius thought to himself.

“Huh?” Subaru mumbled to himself, half awake. Subaru realized his head was rested on Julius’ chest. He then realized Julius was sitting down on a chair, and that he was sitting on Julius’ …

 _NONONONONO!_ Subaru thought to himself, his face turning red as a tomato. He quickly shoved himself out of Julius’ embrace, and fell of the chair onto the floor with and ungraceful thud. _If anybody saw us like that, especially in his private study, they would 100% think that Julius and I were a thing!_  
“Your spirits seem to be lifted, I see.” Julius observed with a smug grin. _Thank goodness,_ Julius thought to himself. _I was able to help him out for once._

“I refuse! I refuse to set off any more flags for the Julisuba route!” Subaru declared. _Why is my heart beating so fast?_ Subaru asked himself. _Why do I feel as if I’m short of breath? Why are there butterflies in my stomach?_ Deep down, Subaru knew the answer to those questions, but he refused to acknowledge it. He stood back up and bolted towards the door.

“Subaru!” Julius called out.

Subaru paused, and turned towards his yellow-eyed companion.

“Are you … okay?” Julius asked, dropping his prideful facade.

Subaru shot back with his genuine, signature smile. The one Julius had fallen in love with. The one he showed his friends, even when they thought all was lost, and the whole world was against them. The one that Julius hoped that one day, he could say he would protect with his life.

Subaru, much to Julius’ surprise, rushed over and gave Julius a hug. “Thank you.” Subaru said. “ I wasn’t in the right state of mind when I was telling you that. Today was an especially hard day for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about all of the bad memories.”

Julius, taken by surprise by the hug, struggled to form a proper response. “I’m… glad to hear that. Please, don’t push yourself too hard. If you are in pain, remember I and many others are here to help.”

“I’ll probably take it easy for the next few days.” Subaru said. “Emilia and the others would hopefully understand.”

“If they don’t call me over. I’ll... talk some sense into them.” Julius joked, semi-seriously.

“Jeez, just because you are a royal knight doesn’t mean you have to solve my every problem.” Subaru jested back. He let go of the hug and ran back to the door, flustered. “ See you later, Sir Asshole knight.” Subaru called out, running away too fast to hear Julius’ reply.

 _Only Subaru can make an insult like that sound so… endearing._ Julius sighed. Guilt began to fester in the knight’s chest. _How could I not tell that Subaru was suffering like that? It’s my fault. I should have noticed it earlier. If I did, maybe he wouldn’t be as … miserable._

Julius soon stopped his negative train of thought. _Subaru always hated it when I blamed myself for everything that goes wrong._ Julius smiled to himself. _He would give me an earful if he heard what I was thinking now._ He did promise Subaru he would think more positively in the future, after all. Julius clenched his fist, and pulled it above his heart. _One day,_ Julius vowed, _I will figure out what he is going through. Then… he won’t be alone. Not anymore._

Julius suddenly felt a shiver run down his spine, as if a great invisible presence was challenging him. The temperature suddenly dropped by a few degrees. Julius pulled out his sword, his eyes darting around the room to see his adversary. Julius realized not that there was not anyone else in that room, but that he couldn’t notice anyone in the room.

Julius immediately put two and two together and knew the visitor was somehow related to Subaru and his suffering. “I don’t know who you are, or what you want.” Julius said. “ But I know this: Natsuki Subaru deserves to be happy. And I know that you are the one who is causing him to suffer. I will figure out what is going on with my friend, find out who you are, and will make sure you will never harm him again.I, Julius Juukulius, the finest of knights, the heir to the Juukulius household, Annastasia’s personal knight and...” , Julius paused for a moment, “the one who loves Natsuki Subaru, vows this upon my life.”

A shadow suddenly appeared around Julius’ feet, and morphed into the shape of a woman who wore a bridal veil. “ _You don’t know what you are getting yourself into._ ” A woman’s voice snarled in his head.

Julius looked at the shadow, unfazed. “I don’t care.”

The shadow paused for a moment and tilted its head, pondering, as if it was deciding whether or not to go through with something major. “ _Good luck. You won’t like what you will discover._ ” The shadow warned before morphing back into a blob and disappearing into thin air, ultimately leaving Julius with more questions than answers.


	2. The Scratches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julius walks in on Subaru self-harming, and faces a side of Subaru not even the closest to him get to ever see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are too good at writing angst so I had to write some angst too. 
> 
> Inspired by: 
> 
> "Natsuki Subaru's Strange Habits" by Flamingogoogly
> 
> "Scratches" and "I Love you" by Returnbydeath
> 
> "no more dreaming of the dead (as if death itself was undone)" by suffaru41

“Looking for Barusu?” Ram dryly asked a certain purple-haired knight.

 _Are my… priorities that obvious?_ Julius made what was his best attempt at a poker face. “He hasn’t exited the manor all day today since noon, or so I have heard. I am simply … concerned and I want to check in on him.”

Ram sighed. “Barusu is simply being his typical slothful self. I checked on him an hour ago and he was taking a nap in his room, and he probably still is asleep right now. .”

“Do you know what room that is?”

“Third hallway, fifth room.” Ram replied, almost like a robot. “I knew Subaru was lazy and helpless, but he’s a gold digger too? What a disappointment.” 

Ram’s classic brand of humor went over Julius’ head. “Subaru is not a-”

“Whatever you do, you better treat Barusu properly.” Ram’s semi-comedic tone suddenly shifted into something deadly serious, as she placed a hand on his shoulder. “If you don’t, I’ll cut your dick off.”

Julius felt a shiver run down his spine. “Yes, ma’am.” He said before bolting off, making a mental note not to mess with ram in the future.

While Subaru staying in all afternoon was a matter of concern for him, Julius’ main purpose of the visit was to inquire some more to Subaru about the identity of the mysterious shadow-being he confronted when Subaru finally opened up to him. 

He tried to do some research on his own to narrow down possible suspects. However, the intel he gathered from their brief encounter was too sparse to make any significant conclusions. _I do understand that Subaru would like to keep his past and his … troubles private._ Julius thought about how the room dropped several degrees when she simply manifested herself. _Whoever that person is, I know one thing for sure: they are strong. If Subaru consents to it or if the person poses a threat to him, I should probably let Reinhard know._

After what felt like a forever of walking, Julius finally found Subaru’s room.

He grabbed the doorknob as he silently repeated his inner monologue. _It would be rude of me if I don’t knock before I come in._

“Hello, Subaru?” Julius called as he knocked on the door. “It’s me, Julius. I’m going to come in to check on you, okay?”

He heard no response. _Ah, he must be asleep._ Julius felt a pang of guilt. _While your sleep is important, your safety ultimately matters more._

“Subaru, I’m going to come in now, so please prepare yourself!!” Julius called out again. He placed his ear against the door in case there was an audible response.

This time, he actually heard something. 

Breathing.

Frantic, ragged breathing. And maybe some sobbing?

“Subaru?” Julius called out once more.

Panic began to build up in Julius' chest. Something was off with Subaru. Was he having another panic attack? Images of Subaru’s previous breakdown flashed through Julius’ mind. The warm tears streaming down his cheeks. His eyes, filled with a despair Julius could not even begin to comprehend. 

Julius cursed himself. _I made a vow to never let Subaru suffer alone ever again, and I’ve already broken it in a week? I’m a pathetic excuse for a knight._

More negative scenarios began to form in his head. What if he was attacked by the shadow spectre? What they killed him and I just heard his final breaths? 

An oddly vivid image appeared in Julius’ mind. It was Subaru, in his sleeping garments, lying on his bed, dead. Blood was leaking out of his mouth, and had stained the bed and pooled on the floor. His eyes were glazed over, and tears were still trickling down his cheeks. He seemed to be clutching to his chest. 

If he opened the door and saw Subaru’s corpse, he didn’t know what he would do.

Oh god, He didn’t know what he would do to himself.

If he was dead, then the mysterious shadow was most likely the culprit, and the motive they would have would be most likely due to Julius sticking his nose somewhere he didn’t belong. It would be his fault one of his loved ones had died.

Julius pushed out the negative thoughts in his head for the time being and decided to open the door. Julius thought to himself as he steeled his emotions and opened the door, prepared for whatever sight he believed may greet him.

Please don’t be dead. Julius prayed to himself. _Pleasedon’tbedead pleasedon’tbedeadpleasedon’tbedeadpleasedon’tbe-_

First, he felt relief. Subaru was alive and well. He was curled up on his bed in a ball. Then he noticed his haunted expression and the tears streaming down his face. His relief was soon replaced by concern as his eyes wandered towards Subaru’s bloodied fingers and quill, which laid beside him. He finally put two and two together when he realized Subaru’s sleeve had been pulled down and beheld a grisly sight before him.

“S-subaru?” 

____________________________________

Subaru slammed the door shut behind him and curled up onto his bed. 

_Why now?_ Subaru asked himself. He was doing so, so well this week. In fact, Subaru felt like it was going to be the first week in a while where he wouldn't have a panic attack and do… it to himself. 

But of course, he ruined it. He messed up. Again. Just like he did with everything.

Subaru hated himself. _I am so selfish._ He thought to himself. If he was a better actor, Julius wouldn’t have noticed something was off with him that day. No. He wanted Julius to notice. He wanted someone, anyone to comfort him that day. 

And because of that, he hurt his friend. He remembered the concern in his eyes, how his voice trembled with emotion when he tried to comfort Subaru. Subaru knew Julius well, and discerned that the knight would blame himself for not noticing Subaru’s pain. 

Subaru decided to pull out his diary and his quill. Writing out the day’s events usually calmed his emotions when he was feeling jumpy. Subaru closed his eyes and reflected on his previous activities that day. However, that proved to be a mistake. 

_Corpses. Piles and piles of corpses in the town square. If he hadn’t made such a fool of himself in the royal selection, he could have gotten help sooner. The putrid smell made Subaru want to vomit._

“Ah-” Subaru cried out .

His sleeve was pulled down, and his forearm was covered in bloodied scratch marks. His bloodied fingertips made contact with his skin once again. Scratch. Scratch scratch.

 _Twisting. Rem’s body was in the air, controting, twisting in unnatural angles. Snap. Snappity snap. Her bones were breaking. Blood was dripping from her mouth. Subaru closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see what was happening in front of his very eyes. If he closed his eyes, than he could lie to himself that it was all a bad dream. He didn't want to see. He didn’t want to see. Hedindn’twanttooseeHeddin'twanttoosee-_

Scratch. Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch. Pain flared up in his arm.

Subaru was in his room, safe. If he was in the damp cave, he wouldn’t be able to scratch his arm like that. Subaru smiled to himself. He shouldn’t be smiling. He wanted to scream. He hated pain, more than anything else in the world. 

Subaru knew it was bad. He tried to get up, to do something else, anything else. However, it was too late. Subaru was already trapped within the web of his own mind. It was dragging him, dragging him down into the deepest and darkest places of his mind. 

Itchy. Burning. His arm was burning. 

_His arm was burning? No, it was being eaten by a horde of white rabbits. He was being eaten alive. He tried to run, but his ankles have already been chewed off. He fell face down into the dirt. He coughed out snow, and rolled over in order to breathe._

_It hurt. They were all over him, eating, gnawing, chewing to their hearts’ content. It hurt. It hurt. He tried to scream, but his vocal chords were already chewed out. No, they were inside his throat. No, they were burrowing, like worms throughout their body. Subaru felt another sharp pain from his rear region. They were up his ass. Burrowing, they had probably eaten his small intestines. They were up his ass. They were up his ass. Why? Why wasn’t he dead? Why? Why did these horrible things keep happening to him? They were up his-_

Subaru let out a muffled scream. He looked down at his arm. _Crap. This is bad._ He was holding his quill in his hand. It was bloody. His arm was bloody. It was probably in the worst shape it had been in a while. He should stop. He couldn’t stop. If he did, he would be alone with his thoughts. That would be worse.

How was he going to explain this to the others? They would see him for the horrendous failure he truly was for the first time. And then, they would leave him. He deserved it. Oh god, he hated himself.

 _Help._ Subaru silently pleaded. _Someone, please help me._ It didn’t make sense. How would someone help him? Why would they help someone as worthless, as selfish as him? It was dark. He was being dragged down somewhere darker. He couldn’t see.

 _You are loved._ Subaru used Satella’s words as a reminder in an attempt to regain his sanity. _Your life has value. You should be included among the list of people you wish to be saved. People will mourn you if you are gone._

Mourning. His parents were probably still looking for him. What were they thinking? What were they feeling? He was so selfish. He didn’t deserve to be happy. He didn’t deserve to be happy when his parents were still looking for him at this very moment. He didn’t even say a proper goodbye to his mom. 

_They deserved a better son. Subaru thought to himself._

Scratch. Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch. 

Scratch. Scratch. ScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratch ScratchScratch Scratch ScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScracthScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratch ScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratch ScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratch ScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratch ScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratch ScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScracthScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratch ScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratch ScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratch ScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratch ScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratchScratch

He hated himself. And since he hated himself, he clawed at his own arms. He knows it would make the others sad if they found out. When he makes himself bleed, it only causes him to detest himself even more. That, in turn, made him want to maim himself even more. It was a vicious, never ending cycle. 

Subaru suddenly heard the door open, and Subaru jumped in surprise. 

It was Julius.

 _NO._ Subaru was petrified. 

Julius was the last person Subaru wanted to let find out about this. He had already seen enough. He had already disappointed him enough. He let Julius look at him, caught in the middle of his sinful act. He was too ashamed to even begin to pretend to cover it up.

“S-subaru?”  


____________________________________

Julius’ face was pale, aghast with horror. 

Julius stared at Subaru, and Subaru stared back. They were like two deer caught in headlights, staring at each other in their final moments before their demise.

“S-subaru.” Julius repeated himself. “I-” He was attempting to string together a sentence of words to convey what he was feeling, but nothing came out. He didn’t know what to do. 

Subaru instinctually pulled up his sleeve, as if it would magically undo Julius seeing what he had done to himself. As if pulling up his sleeve would make the wounds on his arms and the negative emotions and memories that made him do it just disappear.

_Why him?_ Subaru wondered. _Why is Julius the one I have to dissapoint?_

__

After getting over the initial shock, Julius gingerly sat down next to Subaru. He was trying his best to keep a knight-like composure.

__

“P-pull down your sleeve. Your injuries may be serious.” 

__

Subaru obliged, and was too ashamed to look at Julius’ face to see his reaction. He could hear Julius audibly gasp at the sight of his marred forearm. 

__

“Did you do this.. to yourself?” Julius asked, already knowing the answer.

__

Julius took Subaru’s silence as confirmation. 

__

Julius made an unreadable expression as he grabbed the bloodied quill and snapped it in two within his grasp. 

__

_He’s going to tell me how much of a disappointment I am, right? And how selfish it is to do something like this to myself, right?_ Subaru thought to himself.

__

“It’s bad. You need a healer.”

__

Subaru noticed Julius was blinking back tears. He couldn’t place a finger on what emotion Julius was currently experiencing. Anger? Sorrow? Regret? 

__

_His expression is just like that one time when my foolishness made me force Julius to take my own life._

__

_A voice full of regret. Ferris’ sobbing echoed in the distance. A sharp pain erupted in his chest._

__

_“I will never die!” Subaru wasn’t sure if it was him or the archbishop of sloth who said that._

__

_The rainbow was so pretty._ Subaru absentmindedly thought to himself. That was his final thought in the other loop as well. 

__

_I hurt Julius with my stupidity then, and I hurt him with my stupidity now._

__

The entire ordeal made Subaru want to mutilate himself further. 

__

Subaru’s nails dug into his forearm yet again. Scratch. Scratch Scratch. ScratchScratchScratch-

__

“SUBARU!” Julius yelled as he grabbed Subaru’s wrist in a blur, yanking it away from his arm with so much force Subaru thought his wrist was going to break.

__

“Ah-” Subaru yelped.

__

Julius was mad. Or was he afraid? Subaru never saw Julius get that emotional before. Not even when they dueled after they first met, nor during any of the times Subaru teased him. In fact, Subaru wanted to get a genuine reaction out of him- that was one of the many reasons he messed with the knight so often- but not like this.

__

Hearing Subaru’s reaction, Julius softened his grip on his friend’s wrist a little bit. 

__

“Why?” Julius asked, looking away from Subaru. “Why do you do this to yourself?”

__

Subaru hesitated. He couldn’t explain it to him, not even if he tried. 

__

_If you do, he’ll end up like Emilia._ The voice that was in the back of his mind reminded him.

__

_Dead. Blood, a brilliant crimson, spilling out of her mouth and onto the floor. Her eyes, glazed over in disappointment-_

__

Julius suddenly squeezed Subaru’s wrist really tight. He realized that his hand was over his arm, about to rake his arm with his nails yet again.

__

“I’m sorry.” Subaru said. He couldn’t say why out loud. There wasn’t a single reason why. He did it to punish himself for the suffering he had caused in the previous loops. He did it to remind himself he was alive and well, and wherever his memories tried to convince he was. He also did it to have control. Subaru knew he was weak and useless, as anyone and anything in this world could kill him. For some odd reason, harming himself gave him a feeling of agency, which calmed down his anxieties.

__

Julius decided it would be a good idea to change the subject. He grabbed Subaru’s other hand and stared him in the eyes.

__

“I’m serious. You need a healer.” Julius repeated himself. “The wounds can get infected. If left unattended you could-” Julius paused “or if you harm yourself any further, you could-”

__

Another pause. Julius looked down, his hair covering his facial expression. He began to tremble.

__

“You could-” Julius’ voice was trembling.

__

He heard a sob. Subaru then saw tears fall from Julius’ cheeks onto the floor. He realised Julius was crying. 

__

“Julius-”

__

Before Subaru could react, the knight pulled him into an embrace. He held him so tight Subaru struggled to breathe. Tears were streaming down his face.

__

_Does he really care about me that much?_ Subaru looked at the knight, puzzled. _Why? Why would he care for someone worthless like me?_

__

“How long have you.. been doing this to yourself?” Julius asked him.

Subaru bit his lip. _Lying to him won’t do any good._ “ A year.” Subaru confessed.

“Ugh-” Julius whimpered. He rested his chin on Subaru’s shoulder and continued to weep.

_How was I stupid enough to not realize he was doing this to himself for an entire year? If only I had noticed this sooner, Subaru wouldn’t have had to suffer. If only I was smarter, or more astute..._

The countless hours spent methodically training his technique with the sword to reach the zenith of swordsmanship, the contracts he made with the six quasi-spirits, the air of nobility he always had on- all of that was done so Julius would be able to protect the ones dear to him. He did it so he would never feel as sad and powerless like he did that terrible day all those years ago ever again.

__

_Despite all of the training, effort, and work to become the best knight possible, I’m still the same stupid, helpless little kid who can’t save anyone._

Julius’ greatest fear was losing the ones he cared for. How could he call himself a knight if he couldn't protect the one he wanted to love the most? If the situation got any more severe, Subaru could have seriously injured himself and quite possibly have died.

To make matters worse, he broke a vow he made to Subaru. He promised that he would find out what Subaru was going through so he would never suffer alone again. 

And yet, here Subaru was, doing all of these terrible things to himself all alone. Julius had failed him. 

Julius then heard a sniffle coming from his friend. _My emotional outburst distressed him even further. How unknightly of me._

__

“Look!” Subaru waved his arms around. “I’m fine, see?” He squirmed out of Julius’ grip and began to do what Julius assumed was radio calisthenics.

__

He then suddenly stuck his butt out, pointed to the sky, hit a corny pose, and cried out “victory!” with an endearing grin. If the context was different, Julius would’ve found Subaru’s antics cute. 

__

Actually, he did find Subaru’s cheerleading cute and it managed to lift up his spirits a little bit, to the point where Julius stopped crying. 

__

Julius sighed. _I’m hopeless._

__

_I know Subaru really isn’t okay, but If I press him any further, Subaru will likely_ ... Julius didn’t want to think about it anymore. _I should probably meet him tomorrow to talk about this further._ Julius decided to himself. _That should give me time to come up with some proper questions and ways to deal with this._

__

“But seriously, you need-”

__

“I-is there any way you can treat me with a medical kit?” Subaru asked, looking away. “I don’t want the others to know about my… coping mechanism.”

__

Julius frowned, conflicted. He should probably tell Emilia and the others in the camp about what Subaru is going through. Especially considering the severity of the wounds. However, there is the possibility that the added attention would stress Subaru even more and make his self-harm even worse.

__

“Fine, I‘ll do it.” Julius grumbled. 

__

“Good!” Subaru sighed, relieved. “I’ll go get the medkit. It’s under my-”

__

He was interrupted by a humming noise and noticed that Julius had summoned his six quasi spirits. 

__

“Wait Julius, you don’t have to waste-”

__

“Shh.” Julius placed a finger on Subaru’s mouth. “It is impossible to waste something on you.”

__

Subaru stammered, flustered by Julius’ response. Julius had placed his finger on Subaru’s mouth in an oddly seductive manner. Subaru still wanted to bite it off since it wounded his pride.

__

“Kua and In should do the trick” Julius mused to himself, as the blue spirit and the white spirit began to rise up as the others vanished. 

“I should-” Subaru began to say.

However, Julius already grabbed his wrist and gently pulled down his sleeve to see the full extent of the damage. Subaru felt a twinge of guilt as he saw Julius wince when he looked at his arm.

Does he really care about my well being that much? Subaru thought to himself. 

Typically, Subaru would complain about Julius interrupting him that often, but due to the situation and the fact that Julius seemed so cool and knightly at that moment Subaru couldn’t help but watch.

“It does sting a little bit, so if you want, you can hold onto me.” Julius warned.

At this point, Subaru hoped Julius was flirting and not doing this out of knightly courtesy. He pulled himself towards his “friend” and snuggled up against him.

Julius’ cheeks flushed at this. He sighed. _Don’t get distracted, Julius._ He muttered some sort of incantation to start the healing process.

“Ah!” Subaru cried out.

It stung. But he also felt… warmth. It reminded Subaru of drinking hot cocoa next to a fireplace during a wintery night. It felt good. Subaru almost fell asleep as he felt his wounds being woven together and his scars being removed and healed with love and tenderness. 

The warmth soon disappeared. However, Subaru was too distracted by Julius’ body warmth to be upset about his loss.

He could see Julius softly smile as he rolled up his sleeve and let go of his arm.

Much to Julius’ surprise, Subaru immediately wrapped his other arm around him to cuddle with him some more.

“Mph” Julius grunted. He made no resistance to Subaru’s advances, as he really liked snuggling with Subaru. He put his arms around Subaru’s back and proceeded to nuzzle him.

And at that moment, Subaru felt as if everything was right in the world. All of Subaru’s anxieties and worries melted away to a world of happiness and pleasure.

Subaru wanted to stay like that forever. Julius did too. And so they remained cuddling, just like how they did the last time they had a dramatic encounter.

And they did until Subaru realized how romantic this would seem to an outsider. In fact, that was part of the reason why he liked the cuddle so much. 

If anyone saw them cuddling together the way they were, a rumor would go around that they were a thing and it would harm Julius’ chances of getting with someone else. 

After all, he had to be cuddling with him out of courtesy, because Subaru couldn’t fathom why someone as impressive as Julius would like someone as pathetic as him.

He immediately pushed himself away from Julius’ embrace. 

For a moment, Subaru swore Julius looked sad. _Don’t make up things that are too good to be true!_ Subaru chided himself.

“Subaru.” Julius almost mumbled. He seemed to be gathering his thoughts in order to figure out what to say.

“Please” He said as he began to stand up. “Please don’t ever do that to yourself ever again.” His voice trembled with emotion. “Promise me. Make a vow.”

“Fine.” Subaru didn’t like making promises. Mostly because he had a bad track record at keeping them. “I, Natsuki Subaru, vow never to harm my self- in any way, shape or form- ever again.”

Julius smiled, seemingly satisfied with Subaru’s actions. “Kua” He called out to the blue quasi-spirit. “Watch over Subaru to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself. And if he does, heal him or get help.” 

“Why?” Subaru asked. “Your spirits are quite powerful. Why make one watch over me when-”

“Because I love you.” Julius let slip out. He won’t realize the significance of what he said until he was in bed later that day.

 _Don’t get excited, Subaru. Knowing Julius, he means it in a platonic way._ Subaru told himself. He made an effort to cover his flushed face. 

“And since I love you, I want you to be safe and happy.” Julius continued. “Meet me tomorrow by the Appa merchant’s stall, and bring Kua with you,” Julius ordered. “Then, we can go somewhere private and discuss more about your … habits.” 

Subaru shifted uncomfortably at the thought of that.

Noticing Subaru’s discomfort, Julius placed a hand on his shoulder.

“When I saw you last time, I made a promise to myself.” Julius began. “After seeing how you were suffering like that, all alone, I vowed to myself that I would never let you suffer like that ever again.” Julius paused. “I know I may not be able to fully understand what you are going through, but at least I can help make the pain less by being by your side when you are hurting.”

“A promise…” Subaru muttered to himself, deeply moved by what the knight had just said. . He was about to cry tears of joy, but his man’s pride wouldn’t let him do that. “Did you prepare this speech beforehand?” Subaru quipped.

Julius’ cheeks flushed. Subaru took that as confirmation.

“You are such a nerd.” Subaru teased.

“If I am a nerd, then I wonder what that makes you?” Julius taunted back. He reveled in the flustered expression Subaru made in reply.

Julius smiled to himself. Subaru’s teasing was a sign of an improvement of his mood.

____________________________________

After Julius and Subaru said their farewells, Subaru spent most of his time in his room for the rest of the evening, with the blue spirit darting around the room, giving Subaru an excuse to distract himself as he described a variety of knick-knacks he had lying in the room to Kua.

 _I don’t want to imagine Beatrice’s reaction to this._ Subaru mused to himself.

But the distractions were not enough, and soon, the dark thoughts crept back into his mind.

_Why Julius? Why did Julius have to see the worst sides of me? And my foolishness hurt him. I made him cry. God, I am such a failure._

Subaru sighed and curled up into a ball. Kua flew next to him, concerned.

The thought of him being a failure led to think about the person Subaru believed suffered the most due to his mistakes: Rem.

Rem, who now laid comatose, forgotten by the world, due to his errors. Who was tortured by sloth, consumed by the whale, and killed by the beast curse.

Self-loathing surged within him. He tried to resist the urge to harm himself. He tried the best he could. Nevertheless, he pulled down his sleeve yet again. _Sorry, Julius. Guess I was never good at keeping vows to begin with._

Subaru knew he would never stop hurting himself. Not when the witch of envy made him suffer in silence all alone. Not when all of those memories of hell on earth would constantly eat away at his sanity. Not when he thought about all of the timelines Subaru has possibly doomed. 

Just imagining Julius’ somber and disappointed face when he would hear what Subaru would do to himself that night made Subaru want to scratch himself more.

Scratch. Scratch Scra-

Bonk.

“Ow!” Subaru rubbed his head, looking for the culprit.

It was Kua. He felt a familiar warmth on his arm, and realized Kua was healing him. 

Subaru smiled to himself. Kua’s presence made him think about Julius. 

Subaru knew he would never rid himself of his habit. He knew he would remain broken forever, as nobody would ever understand his pain. But for some odd reason, a fire of hope came to life within him.

Even though he knew it was impossible, Subaru felt like he would no longer be alone anymore. Maybe, just maybe, Julius could give Subaru the push he needed to get out of the darkness that enveloped him every time he closed his eyes, and allow him to walk in the light with the rest of his friends. 

And one day, the scars on his arm would hopefully be a distant memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least Julius confessed this time, right?
> 
> I totally believe Subaru would "Achilles and his pal" himself his relationship with Julius until Julius explicitly confesses.
> 
> Also, their relationship dynamic is a 100% healthy I promise


	3. The "Not a Date" (Part 1 out of 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julius takes Subaru on a "Not a Date" in order to find out more about Subaru. As expected, it goes horribly wrong. (Part 1 out of 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I had to name some inspiration, it would be "The boys Night out" and "[NATSUKI ¤ SUBARU]" by Neisseria_Meningitidis
> 
> Also, massive kudos to my brainstorming buddy Wishful_Witch. This chapter probably wouldn't exist if it weren't for her.

Julius closed the book and put it on the ever growing pile next to his desk.

 _I should be getting some sleep._ Julius thought to himself. The glimmering moonlight notified him of the unholy hour he had yet again forced himself to stay awake at. _Trying to identify that woman is a fool’s errand._

 _Could it be Satella?_ Quite a few tales depicted her as a veiled figure enveloped in shadow. Julius immediately discarded the thought. How can Satella be the one who was tormenting Subaru when she was sealed away by the three great heroes 400 years ago? 

Unfortunately for Julius, his brief interaction only gave him a few clues on the mysterious culprit’s identity: He knew they were a powerful yin magic user, he knew they were a woman, they were evil and caused Subaru a great amount of suffering.

The last part was made obvious by the previous two encounters Julius had with his friend.

Julius furrowed his brows in concern. _Is Subaru safe?_ The woman managed to sneak up on Julius while avoiding Ram and her divine protection of clairvoyance, so she must be quite powerful.

And even if she wasn’t there Subaru could be-

Images of Subaru’s bloodied fingers and marred forearm made Julius shudder. _Kua is beside him._ Julius reminded himself. _She would be able to stop him, and heal his wounds too. And the situation got too severe, Kua was smart enough to get some help._

However, Julius’ attempts of reassuring himself did not cull the gnawing sense of guilt.

_How did I not notice that he was self-harming for that long? How could I let him be that alone? I am a pathetic excuse for a knight._

Well, Julius knew that Subaru said he self-harmed for about a year, but there was always a possibility that Subaru was lying. Yes, the severity of the wounds and his reactions to being discovered did imply he had been doing ‘it’ for a long time, but part of Julius still refused to accept that he didn’t notice he was self-harming for that long.

In Julius’ mind, there was only one way to make up for his failures: piece together the puzzle that is Natsuki Subaru so that he did not have to carry his burden alone.

Subaru’s exotic nature was one of the many reasons Julius found him appealing. His strange clothes, his eccentric demeanor, the peculiar references he made while talking- Julius was always a curious person who loved to challenge himself with a mystery every so often, and Subaru truly was an enigma.

Julius felt blood rush to his cheeks and his face melted into a smile as his mind got sidetracked. However, he began to think about what he said earlier that day as well:

_“Because I love you”_

Julius’ smile turned into a frown.

_Did I… really say that?_

He immediately crumpled up into a ball, his face turning redder than a tomato. He grabbed a nearby pillow and emitted a muffled scream.

For a moment, Julius considered calling off the meetup. How was he going to face Subaru now, when he let Subaru see how his emotions made him falter? What if he rejected him?How dare he think he is worthy to be loved when he was too blind to see Subaru’s suffering?

Julius cursed at himself for his immaturity. 

“Hello there, Julius”

Snapped out of the tangent, Julius spun around and unsheathed his sword and pointed it at the uninvited visitor.

“You” Julius snarled. He felt the temperature in the room drop a few degrees.

It was the shadowy figure from before. “You want to know, don’t you?” She whispered. “His-”

“What did you do to him?” Julius pointed his sword at her throat. His heart was hammering louder than a drumbeat, his face still flushed from the realization from before. Was he afraid? “Who are you? Why are you hurting Subaru?” Julius barked out.

_Why did I not notice he was suffering in solitude for so long?_

“My my, I thought you would have more decorum. Especially considering that you are called ‘the finest of knights’” The intruder casually pushed Julius' blade aside as she slowly approached him. I did not catch you in the most… knightly of moments, I assume.” 

As she got closer, Julius began to feel dizzy. _Who is this woman?_ He leaned on his chair for support.

“You made a vow the first time we met. You want to protect Subaru since you love love love love love him, no?”

Julius’ cheeks flushed. “He is my friend.” He lied. Intimidated by the woman’s approach, he backed away from her and summoned his five quasi-spirits. “What do you want?”

Julius froze as he felt like a sharp pain in his chest. It was almost like… his heart was being squeezed by an invisible force. Julius clutched at his chest and leaned on the table.

“Your friend? Last time you said you loved him.” The shadow growled. “How Selfish of you. In the end, the reason you want to help him is because you.. care deeply for him, and helping him would rid you of your guilt, no?”

The woman’s assessment made Julius uncomfortable with its accuracy. “I want to end Subaru’s suffering, and you are the one who is cau-”

“ I want to help you.” She continued to talk as if Julius had not spoken at all.

“Help?” Julius was confused and afraid. He tried his best to hide his true emotions behind his typical hero persona, but his trembling hands betrayed him.“ Why would you-”

“If you want to truly understand Subaru like I do, you have to discover his big secret.” The shadowy figure interrupted, ignoring his question.

“Big secret?” Echoed Julius. He noticed that the unwanted visitor was very… pushy, so he decided to go along with what she wanted to say. For now.

“When you get him to tell you his big secret, everything will make sense. The ‘date’ you have with him tomorrow is an opportunity to discover it.” The shadowy figure advised.

Julius realized this was all she wanted to say, so he decided to take advantage of that by asking what he wanted to say.“Why are you-” Before Julius could finish his question, the woman dissipated into the shadows and disappeared, leaving Julius with more questions than answers yet again.

Julius felt warmth return to his body. Suddenly, he fell to the ground panting, sweat beading on his forehead. _She is strong. I should ask Reinhard for help with dealing with her if necessary._

After their encounter, Julius’ interest in the mysterious woman’s identity was reignited. _Who the hell is she? What does she want? Why is she so cryptic?_ “Looks like I am going to have to put off bed for a little while longer.” Julius muttered to himself as he climbed back onto the chair.

________________________________________

Subaru tapped his foot anxiously as he waited by the appa merchant’s stall. Kua was hiding under his collar, burrowed next to his neck.

 _Jeez, what a coward._ Subaru glanced at the spirit with an amused smirk. _She was totally the opposite when it was just me and her in my room. She’s a shut-in like me._

He didn’t want to admit it, but he and Kua had grown some sort of kinship overnight. The spirit’s antics managed to distract him enough to not self-harm-excluding that one time- for the night.

His heart was hammering in his chest. He was afraid. Not of Julius, but of what he would _ask._ Subaru was so ashamed that Julius knew that he self-harmed that he was almost unable to face him. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted an all-too familiar purple-haired man gesture at him to enter a nearby alleyway.

Subaru gulped. _If I run away now, it will only raise more questions._ He bit his lip until it almost bled, and followed Julius into the backstreet.

The alleway was dark and dingy, but ultimately provided enough privacy for the two to talk.

Subaru noticed there was a certain tenseness in Julius’ form. His face was flushed red. _Was he nervous about something?_ If anybody was nervous about the encounter, it should be Subaru, not Julius.

“You always wear the knight uniform, huh? You must really have no taste in fashion” Subaru jeered in an attempt to lift the mood.,/p>

The knight huffed. He was indeed wearing the knight’s uniform. “I own multiple sets of these.” He said, patting his uniform is if its feelings were hurt by Subaru’s remark. “They are made of the finest silks and materials that can be found in Lugunica, so this is actually is a piece of fine-”

“But you literally don’t wear anything else.”

“You wear that… thing all of the time” He said, snobbishly pointing to Subaru’s tracksuit. Yet again, Subaru managed to bring out Julius’ bad side.

Subaru only grumbled in response. He did have a point.

“Kua must have taken a liking to you.” Julius smiled, changing the subject, as he eyed the blue spirit who was still snuggled up next to Subaru’s neck.

“I guess that's because I’m just that great.” Subaru played up his ego for comedic effect in order to distract both Julius and Kua. He didn’t like where this conversation was going. If Kua told Julius about what he did last night-

Kua flew towards her contractor the instant he recognized her. 

“Kuaaaa” Whined Subaru “Don’t leave meeeee~” He melodramatically reached out towards the spirit, before doing a botched attempt at fake weeping. 

“At least you still have Beatrice.” Julius remarked, entertained by Subaru’s theatrics. Subaru noticed that the knight’s shoulders were relaxed.

“Not for long” The former NEET pouted. He didn’t know if he was joking about Beatrice or referring to how long Julius’ good mood would last.

Julius opened his mouth to reply, but Kua’s buzzing interrupted him. His smile turned into a frown, and his shoulders tightened again.

“Show me your arms.” Julius ordered. He had a poker face on.

Shame began to bubble in Subarus' chest. _He knows._ He pulled up both of his sleeves and showed them to Julius. They were riddled with scars from all of the previous times he self-harmed.

Julius was rendered speechless as he began to properly comprehend how many scars there were on his arms. His trembling fingers brushed all of the visible scars on Subaru’s arm, each bump making Julius feel worse and worse.

“I’m not good at keeping promises.” Subaru’s eyes wandered to the floor to avoid seeing his reaction. “ I’m sorry, Julius.” Subaru whispered. “I’m sorry that I’m so self-

Before Subaru could degrade himself further, Julius wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a tight embrace.

“Please, do not be sorry.” Julius whispered in his ear. “And don’t you dare speak about yourself in such a negative manner.

Subaru wiped away a few tears that had formed in his eyes. Julius squeezed Subaru even closer to him, which made Subaru’s face pressed up against his chest. He couldn’t help but to notice that Julius’ chest was quite well toned.

“Bara titties.” Subaru absentmindedly muttered to himself.

Julius pretended to not hear what Subaru said and continued with his monologue.

“ I will make sure that you will never scratch yourself again. I will teach you how to fight, and how to conduct yourself properly. Please, let me be the one who gives you reassuring words when you need it the most.” Julius cupped his cheek as his voice trembled with emotion. “Please, let me save you.”

 _Save?_ Subaru didn’t like the sound of that.

“Let's take a walk around the square in order to cheer you up. Then, we’ll wander around the city and enjoy ourselves. ” Julius suggested. _At least I am telling half of the truth._ He also would use their little walk as an excuse to question Subaru about his past.

Subaru sighed in relief. _That doesn’t sound that bad._

________________________________________ 

Subaru marveled at the sight of the capital sprawled out before him. 

Julius had taken him on a walk throughout the capital, and they were currently hiking up a street which spiraled up a hill. Subaru could hear the bustling of people going about their business and felt the rumble of ground dragon carts whizz past him.

“Wow, this place is beautiful.” Subaru whispered under his breath.

Julius was pleased at the positive shift in Subaru’s mood. He made sure not to ask Subaru any questions too early in order to butter him up so he would be more receptive to any questioning he would receive. “It is the best view the third layer can offer.” 

_This might be the perfect chance to ask my first question._

Julius clenched his fist. He was nervous. This could go wrong- very very wrong. 

“Subaru.” He opened his mouth, struggling to find the courage to finish what he was saying. “I was impressed with how you managed to find the witch cult’s base.”Julius tried to segway into the question as smoothly as possible. ”What was your traumatic past with the witch cult like?” 

Subaru froze. Ah. So that's why he wanted us to go out on a walk.

“I…” Subaru froze, trying to come up with a proper response. He could tell a half-truth too. “The witch cult- no sloth himself and his fingers attacked the people I held dear to me. It was a massacre.” His eyes watered with tears as the horrible memories began to flash before his eyes.

_The bodies were everywhere. In the houses, in the square, and in the mansion. Contorted, charred, mutilated, stabbed. Barf began to rise in Subaru’s throat. The world was painted a deep crimson. They didn’t even spare the kids. They had no eyes- they gouged out their eyes. They gouged out their eyestheygougedouttheireyes-_

“Ah.” His arms were itchy. Subaru grabbed Julius’ hand and held it as hard as he could.

This unexpected move caused Julius to catch his breath. However, he realized something was wrong when saw Subaru’s haunted expression. “Subaru, are you alright?”

“I saw someone very close to me die in front of my eyes with my very own eyes.” Subaru whispered, his voice cracking in agony. 

“I’m sorry for your loss.” Julius said. His brow furrowed in anger. He would make sure to go out of his way and kill some witch cultists the next opportunity he could. “Where they… your parents?”

“Thank god, no.” Subaru replied. “My parents are in a faraway land.”

_Faraway land? Julius asked himself. Oh well, that was a question for another day. That could have gone… better. Maybe I should take a less direct approach._

“So what-”

“Food!” Subaru jumped up and down, and pointed towards a food stand selling sushi- a Kararagian classic. 

Mildly surprised (and slightly relieved) by Subaru’s sudden outburst, Julius sighed and pulled out his coin purse as Subaru bolted over to the food stand. 

As Julius expected, Subaru turned his pockets inside out, rummaging around to see if he had any spare change. The person at the stall simply stared at the boy, slightly miffed.

“I must have some spare coins in here somewhere..” He mumbled, gritting his teeth in frustration. _Can this day get any worse? First I revealed too much to Julius and got him concerned, and now I’m humiliating myself in public since I forgot all of my money at home!_

“I’ll pay.” Julius interjected. “Subaru,what do you want?”

Subaru’s eyes illuminated like a lightbulb for a brief moment, before suddenly returning to his frustrated state. “N-none of your business asshole.” He huffed and turned his back away from him.

Julius sighed. He could see through his Tsundere facade in an instant. “Subaru”. He grabbed both of Subaru’s shoulders and spun him like a toy top to face him again. “What do you want?” Julius intensely stared at him, his yellow irising boring themselves into the back of Subaru’s skull. 

_His purple eyelashes look cute._ Subaru absentmindedly thought to himself.

Subaru’s mean-looking eyes slightly softened as they shifted away from his friend and onto the floor. A bright flush painted his cheeks. “S-sushi. The third one on your right.”

Julius smiled to himself and promptly took out the proper amount of coins and gave it to the merchant, who in turn gave the sushi to Subaru. 

“T-hanks. I guess.” Subaru’s lower lip quivered before he dashed off.

Julius' smile simply grew even larger as he tossed another coin to the shopkeep. “Keep it. Its for dealing with his antics.”

“I don’t need it.” The shopkeep tossed the coin back to the knight. “Seeing you and your boyfriend’s antics like that is more than enough, sir Julius.”

_Boyfriend?_

Due to his expertise at maintaining a knightly facade, Julius only slightly stiffened in response to the remark. 

“Thank you.” Julius simply replied, before rushing off to chase after his friend.

Subaru looked around. In the rush to let out the weird feelings he had on the inside, Subaru had accidentally lost himself in a crowd in the street.

Was it by accident? It wasn’t by accident.

Subaru was well aware of Julius’ intentions with the “not a date”- he was trying to uncover his past after he walked in Subaru self-harming.

Subaru began to feel dizzy. Images of Emilia’s corpse on the cold, hard mansion floor filled his mind. _I killed Emilia with my selfishness. I can’t let that happen to Julius too._

That is why he had to run away. He did it to protect Julius- so that Subaru wouldn’t have any more blood on his hands.

And yet, part of Subaru wanted Julius to find him. He wanted to run over to Julius, sink to his arms, and spill out everything that has been piling up into this world ever since he arrived. He wanted Julius to whisper in his ears that everything would be okay and that nobody would hurt him since he was there now and wrap him in another one of his intoxicating hugs.

Subaru knew that was impossible and yet he had the audacity to allow himself to partake in that fantasy of blasphemy.

Everything began to spin. Subaru’s breaths began to be more frequent and shallow, as Subaru hobbled over to a nearby alleyway and collapsed.

“Julius” Subaru softly cried out.

_“Julius!” Subaru screamed, cradling the dying knight’s body._

_Blood leaked out from the dashing knight’s mouth as he made his best attempt at a smile. The blood tainted the pure white of Julius’ knight’s uniform. It was nearly identical to what happened to Emilia when he told her about Return by death._

_“I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry”Subaru sobbed, clawing at Julius, trying everything, anything to save the doomed knight’s life._

_“Don’t be… sorry...Subaru.” The dying knight raised his hand, slowly, trembling, with all of his effort, and gently cupped Subaru’s cheek with his hand. “Thank you… for telling.. Me.. your.. secret.” Julius muttered, each breath growing more labored as time went on. “Look… at… me...”_

_Subaru didn’t want to look in the eyes of the man he murdered. It was his fault. His fault His fault. Subaru bit his lip. It was the best he could do for his friend, so he looked at him in the eyes._

_It was what Subaru feared the most: Tenderness. his eyes were filled with such… tenderness._

_How was he going to tell Reinhard and Felix that he murdered their best friend? How could ever face Joshua when it was his fault the brother he idolized ever so much was dead because of him? What on earth would he say to Annastasia? What would say to himself whenever he looked into the mirror?_

_Julius was mouthing something to him. Subaru knew what it was, he simply refused to acknowledge it. Subaru looked away for a brief moment. His eyes, which were filled with so much tenderness and love the moment before, were now glazed over. He was dead. Julius had spent his dying moments with a man who couldn’t even look him in the eyes. Even in his final moments, Subaru managed to find a way to fail him._

_Subaru already knew what he had to do. He unsheathed Julius’ sword and pointed it at his neck._

_Natsuki Subaru did not want to live in a world without Julius. With all of his might, he thrust the sword into his neck as a sharp pain coursed throughout his body._

“Ah!”Subaru clawed at his throat. He was on the floor, trembling like a madman, hiccuping in between his weeping.

Was that real? Or was that another one of his nightmares, crafted by the darkest chasms within his mind? Or did that actually happen, and Subaru was such a horrible person that he simply forgot? Or was that premonition of what was to come of Subaru let his secret slip? Subaru couldn’t tell anymore. 

Subaru tried to get up, but fell to the ground with a pathetic thud. Subaru layed there, dazed, confused, and with no other option, Subaru decided to pull down his sleeve…

______________________________________

 _Does the general public think we are dating too?_ Julius fretted as he looked for Subaru. He thought it was only something his close friends and family teased him about. If that really was the case, then that would explain why some of the knight cadets-

 _Focus, Julius, Focus._ Julius clapped both of his cheeks. He dashed past the crowds, his eyes actively scanning for a certain track-suit wearing boy, but to no avail. He had expected this to be quite easy- Subaru’s eccentric clothing always made him pop out in a crowd.

After seven minutes, Julius really began to panic. _Shit. This is bad. I must have asked him a serious question, and he must have had an anxiety attack and ran away. Yet again, Julius’ mind raced to a place of concern for Subaru. It isn’t like Subaru to be hard to find like this. What if he’s in trouble? What if he’s being mugged, or captured by the witch cultists, or what if the shadow lady did something to him?_

He summoned his six quasi-spirits. “Find Subaru.” He ordered. He frowned in worry as they all scattered in their separate directions. In order to enable rendezvous for the spirits to be easier, Julius decided to lean against the side of a building and wait.

_I shouldn’t have pushed him that hard. If he is actually hurt, then it will be entirely my fault._

Julius began to yank at his hair as he began to sweat profusely. Julius shook his head. _Getting stressed won’t help me in this situation will not be of any aid._ Julius took several deep breaths in order to calm down.

Oddly, the yellow spirit returned first. “Ake?” The earth spirit was usually the slowest of the bunch when it came to scouting and looking for people.

Don’t tell the spirit that.

“Ake!” The spirit seemed to be proud of itself. She buzzed around Julius excitedly.

“Show him to me first. Then we can start celebrating.” Julius told the spirit Ako understood, and flew off in the direction of Subaru, with Julius hot on her trail.

The spirit guided through an alleyway on his right, and past a dense crowd. Then, Julius finally set sights on the man he was looking for.

“Subaru!” Julius rushed over and gave his friend a big hug.

“J-julius, not in the middle of the sidewalk in a busy street! Its e-e-embarrassing!” Subaru stammered as he tried to squirm out of his friend's embrace.

Secretly, he did not want Julius to let go. 

“My apologies.” Julius said as he let Subaru out of his hug. “I was simply concerned for you after you vanished on me like that.”

“Ehhhh, you didn’t miss much, don’t worry.” Subaru reassuringly patted his friend on his back. That’s a lie. Subaru thought to himself. “I mean, I wolfed down all of the Sushi you got me.” _At least that part is true. No need to tell him I did that out of pure stress._ Subaru prayed Julius wouldn’t ask to check his arms.

“What a glutton.” Julius poked Subaru’s cheek, teasing him. For a moment, Julius thought Subaru looked a little dazed- it must have been just his imagination. _Well, at least I am glad he did not do it because he felt uncomfortable. Subaru really is an airhead sometimes._

While Julius was teasing him, the cogs in Subaru’s head was spinning. Julius’ goal for this outing was to find out his secret- return by death. However, if Julius found out about return by death, Subaru had the gut feeling Julius would die, as depicted within the hallucination Subaru had earlier. So, Subaru’s objective is to prevent Julius from learning about return by death at all costs. Subaru almost laughed at himself. It was almost like a game. A deadly game.

While Subaru didn’t want to lie to Julius, his life- and by extension Subaru’s life and whatever time he had to spend to get back to the present time of this loop- were at stake. Ever since he escaped the hell that was the sanctuary, Subaru has been on a death-free streak, and he wasn’t going to let that awful witch ruin it for him. In other words, he had to play to win. Consequently, Subaru began to list out the rules of the ‘game’ fate had thrust upon him.

Julius must not learn about return by death, or else it will be game over and Julius will die.

1\. Julius must also not learn about the fact Subaru had just self-harmed a few minutes ago.

2\. Subaru should answer as little questions as possible while trying to come up with some distractions that do not seem suspicious.

3\. Getting a snack is a perfect excuse for a distraction- however, he can’t do it too much, no more than 2-3 times, as Julius might catch on. Food also comes with the added bonus of being a good destressor. If Julius did deny him a snack, it is a perfect opportunity for banter.

4\. Knowing how overprotective Julius is, he would probably end the interrogation when the sun goes down, or if the weather worsens.

5\. He should try to answer the questions as truthfully as he can without giving away too much information- the best lies have their roots in truth.

6\. Since Julius thinks Subaru can get lost easily, he can probably get away with separating himself from Julius as a ‘trump card’ when he was out of ideas.

7\. Constantly look at the shops for an excuse or inspiration to/for a distraction- the more time wasted, the better.

________________________________________

Julius himself had a game plan in his head. He needed to find Subaru’s ‘secret’- whatever that was- in order to truly understand Subaru, so that Julius would be able to save him. His secondary goal was to figure out the identity of the mysterious veiled lady.

With only a few questions answered, Julius could already discern a few things: _Subaru suffers from severe trauma from the witch cult. He specified it was sloth himself who carried out the massacre on his loved ones. Perhaps his secret was linked to the witch cult. I know that the veiled lady was heavily connected to Subaru’s secret, so maybe she is related to the witch cult as well. An archbishop, perhaps? She seemed to give him this opportunity since I loved Subaru, so perhaps she was the archbishop of lust?_

Julius gently pulled Subaru aside into an alleyway to give them some privacy in the second round of questioning.

“Subaru...Why do you do it to yourself?” Julius asked the second question of his interrogation.

“It?” Subaru asked, fully knowing what the answer was.

Julius knew that Subaru knew, so he simply averted his eyes and didn’t reply. He didn’t want to acknowledge Subaru’s self-harming habits either.

“I.. dont know.” It was the truth. There wasn’t one concrete reason why he self-harmed.

 _Don’t know?_ Julius questioned. He gazed at Subaru suspiciously.

“I do it, because I’m scared?” Subaru was trying to come up with a more satisfactory answer to his question. “ I need to get the bad memories out of my head.” He didn’t want to mention the other reasons why- he didn’t want Julius to get too concerned.

 _He’s not telling me the entire truth._ Julius noted. From their previous encounters, Julius discovered that his friend had an abysmally low self-esteem. That had to be a motivator in his self-harming.

He placed his hand on Subaru’s shoulder and looked at him in the eyes. “You also do it because you hate yourself, don’t you?”

The stiffening of his back and the lack of a response only confirmed Julius’ theory.

“Subaru…” Julius muttered sadly. Julius swore to himself that he would be there to reassure and build up Subaru until he regained some sense of dignity.

He put his other hand on Subaru’s shoulder and pinned him against the wall. “How long have you been doing this to yourself?” He asked this question last time, but he didn’t want to accept the answer. He couldn’t accept the answer.

“I’ve been doing it for about a year.” Subaru shakingly replied, his cheeks slightly flushed. He was too ashamed to look at him in the eyes.

Julius lowered his head. Subaru couldn’t see his face since Julius’ hair was hiding his facial expression. He felt Julius’ grip tighten on his shoulders as the knight began to tremble.

“Before or after you met Emilia?” Subaru sill couldn’t see Julius’ face.

“Before.” Subaru lied. If he revealed he started self-harming post-Emilia, then that would raise suspicion on what exactly triggered him to start to self-harm. “It started… after I had a particularly bad dream.” That part wasn’t a lie.

Oddly, Julius’ grip listened and he raised his head. He seemed to have composed himself- did Subaru’s answer really relieve that much of a burden? 

Julius saw the agony in his friends eyes and wanted to give the fool a hug. 

_At least he bought that lie._ Subaru thought to himself. _My chances of ‘winning’ this game is still relatively high._

Before he could hug him, , Subaru’s stomach grumbled loudly. 

His face flushed as he yelped in embarrassment. However, after taking one look at Julius’ smug face, Subaru realized that this was an opportunity.

“L-let’s get a snack.” Subaru mumbled as he grabbed Julius’ hand and pulled him out of the alleyway.

While Subaru couldn’t see his face, Subaru could feel his smug aura emanating from behind him.

“Glutton.” Julius called out. 

“S-shut up!” Subaru barked back.

________________________________________

“Macarons!” Subaru pointed excitedly towards a bakery stand like a small child.

“Thank goodness. I really did think you were going to take forever deciding on something you liked.” Julius remarked, stifling a yawn.

“‘Thank goodness?’ Who says that anymore? Stop being so posh with me mister 'Finest of Knights.’” Subaru shot back, offended by Julius’ remark. Well, he did waste time on purpose, but that is beside the point.

Julius simply ignored his friends’ insults. “You better give me some spare cash one you are done with our ‘walk’”. He said, reaching into his pocket for some spare cash.

Subaru began to dash towards the bakery stand, however, he was halted by Julius, who grasped his hand.

“Not so fast” The purple-haired man declared. “I won’t let you slip off like you did last time.” He squeezed Subaru’s hand so tight he knew he couldn’t escape. 

_But to everybody else, this would make us look like a couple!_ Subaru whined to himself. That being said, he did like the idea of holding hands with Julius. His rosy cheeks would have made that apparent enough.

Julius, however, was unaware of the romantic connotations of his gesture and simply proceeded to walk towards the bakery stall, with a flustered Subaru in tow.

As Julius grabbed more and more macarons, Subaru grew more and more concerned the knight would buy too much Macarons for him to eat.

“H-hold on!” Subaru interjected. “While I am grateful you are getting me all of that food, I think that is a little too much, even for someone like me!”

“I’m also getting some Macarons for myself as well. You took so long to get some food I decided to get some myself.” Julius replied as he proceeded to grab more pastries.

“S-sharing?!?” Subaru gasped. Subaru hated sharing- he needed the food for stress-eating purposes. At that moment, Subaru knew a battle over the pastries would ensue.

Julius handed a few coins to the bemused shopkeep before walking away with the goodies.

Once they exited the shop, Subaru managed to squirm out of Julius’ grip. His hand, in Subaru’s opinion, was way too close to his sleeve, which hid his scratch marks.

“Who knows about your... Coping mechanism?” Julius asked when they began to walk again.

Subaru paused. “Nobody. I’m good at keeping secrets, for the most part.” That too was the truth-mostly. Beatrice was the only other person who knew, but revealing that would bring up too many questions. Subaru grabbed a few Macarons and began to eat them.

 _He was hiding a secret like that for so long and nobody noticed? How?_ Julius felt anger bubble up within his chest. He gritted his teeth. Was he mad at the Emilia camp or was he mad at himself?

“How did you find the secret base of sloth?” Julius asked the next question in his mental list to distract him from those thoughts.

Subaru grabbed another pastry. “I was… captured by sloth once. I barely escaped with my life.” He looked away. That instance always brought up bad memories.

“Was this during the time when sloth slaughtered the people you love? Why were you captured?” Julius spewed out more questions, unsatisfied with the vague answer Subaru previously replied with.

“It was.” Subaru replied. He paused yet again, wolfing down another pastry in order to silence the voices screaming in the back of his head. “I was captured since I had the witches’ scent.” Subaru bit his lip as more bad memories began to resurface. “My friend gave her life in order to let me escape. ” Subaru’s pace sped up.

“Is it the person who was dear to you you mentioned before?” Julius asked, catching up to his friend with ease.

“Yes.” Subaru nodded.

_He was utterly helpless as he saw Rem's body float in the air like a demonically possessed ragdoll. Her arms began to twist in angles they were not-_

The memories suddenly vanished as he felt Julius squeeze his hand. “Subaru.” He simply muttered.

He looked down to his arm and panicked. _Did I mess up already?_ Thankfully, his sleeve was still pulled down.

 _There you go again, Julius, letting your emotions get better of you knightly demeanor._ He scolded himself.

However, seeing Subaru reduced to such a state so easily troubled Julius deeply. After he answered Julius’ question, he suddenly stopped in his tracks, pale as a ghost, and began to tremble uncontrollably. Julius couldn’t just watch his friend have a mental breakdown in public.

 _Just what has Natsuki Subaru been through?_ Julius remembered the haunted look in his eyes when he broke down in his arms the first time they confronted each other. If just thinking about his past made him have an anxiety attack, then something unimaginingly horrible must have happened. Deep down, Julius knew the witch cult incident was only the surface of the poor man’s trauma.

His conviction flared up within his form as his eyes hardened with determination. _I am going to find out what pain and horror my poor friend had been through, no matter what._ Julius vowed yet again to himself. At that moment, he looked more regal than he did at the royal courtroom all that time ago. 

He felt something squirm into his hand and weave itself in between his fingers. Jolted, he looked aside to see Subaru holding his hand. Julius’ elegant demeanor dropped in an instant as he was reduced to a flushed bumbling mess.

“Please, don’t ask me those questions anymore.” Subaru whispered as he looked at Julius with his forlorn eyes. “It brings up bad memories.” 

There was so much pain in his eyes. So much sorrow. Seeing Subaru’s suffering drove a stake into Julius’ heart.

However, Julius did not waver, for it was his duty, as both a friend and as a knight. He was going to find out what Subaru was going through. No matter if Subaru wanted it or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't noticed, this "chapter" is split up into 2 halves. I've done with most of it, its just it is a total of almost 15k words before I split it, and I thought it would be better if I separated the two to give you guys more time to process what I have wrote and give me more time to proofread. I originally intended this chapter to release on the week of 12/28/2020, but I got a bit carried away with the editing so I can't do that now. I'm not going to say when I expect to release it so I don't face any pressure, but please expect it to come out soon, as I'm almost done with writing and editing the chapter. 
> 
> Also, this chapter's release is weirdly sentimental moment for me- when I was finished with chapter 2, I was partially convinced that I was going to never finish this fic. But now, I have everything really well planned out, so it should be smooth sailing from here. :)


	4. The "Not a Date" (Part 2 out of 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julius takes Subaru on a "Not a Date" in order to find out more about Subaru. As expected, it goes horribly wrong. (Part 2 out of 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I had to name some inspiration, it would be "The boys Night out" and "[NATSUKI ¤ SUBARU]" by Neisseria_Meningitidis
> 
> Also, massive kudos to my brainstorming buddy Wishful_Witch. This chapter probably wouldn't exist if it weren't for her.

On their wandering all over the district, one of the wonders they came across was a rickety stand that promoted a dart-throwing game.

“This is a scam.” Julius said, looking at the shoddily-crafted stand with utter disgust. “It's meant to prey on innocent bystanders. They even lack the dignity to do it on a day when a festival isn’t even on.” Julius made a mental note to shut down the place the next shift he had with the royal guard.

Subaru simply replied with puppy-dog eyes.“B-but Pikachu!” He said as he pointed a giant plushie of an odd yellow mouse-like creature with funny red cheeks.

_Pikachu?_

Julius stared at the boy as if he was insane. Julius had never even heard of a creature called a “pikachu”- and Julius prided himself as a man who knew everything about the culture of his world, so there was no way Subaru would know about such a mythical creature like the ‘Pikachu’ and Julius not be aware of it.

One would expect someone with mean-looking eyes like Subaru to be utterly unable to pull off puppy-dog eyes, and yet Subaru was a master at the craft. He tilted his eyebrows ever so slightly upwards, pouted, puffed his left cheek out, and tried his best to soften his gaze. It didn’t completely remove the sharpness of his eyes, but that simply added to its charm.

This was especially true for those who had a soft spot for sanpaku eyes. Julius, unfortunately, was one of such people, so Subaru’s puppy eyes were ‘super effective’ on him.

Julius held his breath, trying his best to calm his fluttering heart. He tried to tear his eyes away from Subaru, but to no avail.

“I-Fine.” Julius grumbled as he felt his resolve melt onto the floor. _Getting Subaru this ‘Pikachu’ would make him more likely to answer some questions._ He told himself to deny the fact he failed to resist Subaru’s stare.

He handed Subaru what remained of the pastries within the basket. Before he did so, he wrapped the remaining pastries with a blanket in a very elaborate fashion. “No more pastries!” He ordered. “I wrapped the pastries in a way so I will be able to tell if you attempt anything villainous.”

_Villainous?_ Subaru almost burst out laughing. Even now, Julius still acted ever so chivalrous. 

_“But-”_

__

“You are going to get yourself sick!” Julius reprimanded him, haughtily stretching his cheeks.. He sighed- Subaru was trying his puppy-eye strategy yet again. “You are going to be the death of me, Subaru.” 

__

For a second, Subaru froze. _Why did he say that?_ It was as if the universe was reminding him what was at stake if Subaru let his secret slip out. Subaru pouted, trying to cover up any anxiety he had shown earlier.

__

“Fine MOM.” He blew a raspberry at Julius as the knight walked over to the stand.

__

The shopkeep looked suspicious as well. He was a bald, buff man with a scar covering one of his eyes and cigarette twiring in his hand. He frowned uncomfortably as Julius walked towards him.

__

“Pardon me, but how do you get the big yellow mouse… creature.” Julius kept his knightly composure as he looked at the shopkeep dead in the eyes. 

__

__

“Yer simply hit the dragonseye.” The man responded with a gruff voice. “Howevah, I’m goin’ to warn yer: hitting the Dragonseye is much harder then it seems. So don’t get too mad at me when yer let down yer boyfriend over there, huh?”

__

__

Julius didn’t respond _Boyfriend? Does everybody think that Subaru and I are dating?_ Julius shook his head to reorganize his thoughts. _This thing is definitely rigged. It looks way too suspicious._ He silently summoned his spirits to investigate it further.

Julius flipped a single coin at the scammer.

“Only one coin, huh? Yer really are confident.” The crook flashed a crooked smile as he tossed three darts at the knight.

Julius glared at the man’s overconfident body language. _My god, you aren’t even trying to hide it!_

Subaru poked his head in between the two, drawn by the tension he felt.

“Is that a challenge?~” He teased with a huge smile on his face. For some odd reason, something about this game really got under Julius’ skin, and Subaru was going to take advantage of this scenario to relish in his friend’s discomfort as much as possible.

“Yes.” Julius hastily confirmed, falling into Subaru’s trap. “I will hit the bullseye without spending a second piece of gold.” He declared. “You have my knight’s word.” He wouldn’t have said something so drastic if it wasn’t for the fact that his heart was racing quickly for some reason. Also, he wanted to seem knightly in front of Subaru.

Subaru and the shopkeep only wiggled their eyebrows at each other in response.

Julius, however, was too taken in by the challenge to notice. He picked up the first dart and analyzed it. Nothing in it in particular stood out to him. This dart throw was supposed to be a test run anyways, to determine how the game was rigged Julius could un-rig it in order to get what he wanted in his following attempts.

He held the dart properly with his fingers, bent his elbow back, and titled his wrist backwards, and aimed at the dragonseye. If this really wasn’t rigged, then he, Julius Juukulius, the finest of knights (and of dart players), would get it right on the first try. 

_Thwack!_

Julius’s dart made a beeline towards the dragonseye, but at the last minute, it curved a little to the left and missed the center of the target.

“Oh! So close!” The shopkeep slapped his knee, faking pity. He seemed to be trying to get the knight upset.

Julius simply frowned at the man. It was rigged. That was for sure.

“Hey, maybe you’ll get it next time?” Subaru asked, nudging his friend playfully.

Julius took a deep breath. 

Is Subaru trying to mess with me too? He shouldn’t be surprised.

In, his white spirit, brushed up on his legs and telecommunicated something to Julius.

 _Magnets?_ Julius muttered to himself. He looked at the dart yet again, and noticed they had a metallic tip. “Ah.” Everything clicked together.

Julius decided if the shopkeep can cheat, then so can he. He ordered his spirits to move the magnet over so it would make the dart go into the bullseye. There was nothing he despised more than scam artists, so it would only be fair if he made him get a taste of his own medicine.

Subaru noticed Ia, his red spirit, trail across the floor and vanish behind the target. Subaru put two and two together and noticed what was really going on. He turned to Julius and made the smuggest face possible.

Julius knew that he knew and turned away from him to avoid his pestering. He wouldn’t dare tell the shopkeep that he had... readjusted the odds in his favor- right?

“What taking yer so long?” The scammer asked, tapping his fingers on the frame of the stall.

Julius sighed. “I’m just… preparing myself.” He eyed In, his white spirit, peeking out from behind the target- that was a signal that the magnet had been moved. He paused for a minute, expecting Subaru to do something funny. Nothing happened. Julius took this as a sign Subaru wouldn’t rat him out, so he calmed down.

He reassumed the position he had last time, and he aimed for the target yet again.

However, his mind began to wander towards Subaru, but not because Subaru could potentially ruin his chances at winning the game. The more time he spent time with Subaru that day, the more concerned Julius got. The large macaron pile, that had been intended for the both of them, had been mostly eaten by Subaru. Was he stress eating? Not to mention, Subaru disappeared after he had asked him the first question. Was that on accident, or was it op purpose? Subaru didn’t know the streets of the capital that well, so he could have got mixed up in trouble incredibly easily. _Was his past that terrifying that Subaru was willing to endanger his own life to keep it a secret?_

_Thwack!_

His worrying thoughts distracted him and messed up his form, causing the dart to hit the very edge of the dartboard.

“Guess all that prep time was for nothin’” The scam artist’s grin grew even larger.

Julius swore at that very moment that he would shut down this bullshit shop and make sure the scammer went to jail before the sun would set today.

“Wow, you did even worse this time! How embarrassing~” Subaru teased as he and the shopkeep did a fistbump.

“I thought you were supposed to be on my side. Don’t you want that plushie?” Julius whined. Is this revenge for the time I called him a glutton? __

Another part of him cringed inwardly when Subaru and the scammer fist-bumped. That man was suspicious and dangerous. He wanted that man to have as little contact with Subaru as possible. He would be upset once Julius got a bullseye and realized he had done some underhanded tricks too, so there was a chance that he could hurt Subaru in retaliation. 

He picked up the third dart and assumed the same position as he did before. If, no _when_ he got a bullseye, Julius would immediately reposition himself in a way where he would be able to protect Subaru from whatever could come his way. If the scammer even thought about laying a finger on Subaru, Julius would make sure he would never see the light of day again for a very long time.

“No preparin’ this time, huh? I guess third time's the charm?” The shopkeep wiggled his eyebrows at the knight.

“Remember, you said you gave your knight’s-”

“I need to focus.” Julius interrupted his teasing friend.

Julius narrowed his eyes and concentrated on the target. Now, his pride was on the line. If he messed up on this shot too, his bluff he made by just making one purchase would backfire on him massively, and Subaru would never let him forget it. He needed to prove Subaru wrong. If he got a dragonseye, then he would rub it in Subaru’s face as well, since he seemed to be rooting against Julius.

_Thwack!_

The dart landed in the dead center of the target. It was a dragonseye.

Subaru cheered. “Pi-ka-chu! Pi-ka-chu!” Much to Julius’ disappointment, Subaru wasn’t miffed at all that Julius had hit the bullseye. He then realized it was a win-win situation, so he’d be happy no matter the outcome. 

Before the shopkeep could react, Julius lunged in between the shopkeep and Subaru, and laid his hand on the sheath of his sword. He played it off as him demanding the plushie by reaching out his free arm towards the shopkeep and wiggled his fingers at him. 

“Huh?” The scammer's jaw hung wide open. “I-impossible. Yer must be cheating!”

“Getting a Dragonseye would only be impossible if you rigged it.” Julius was the smug one now. 

Julius’ reply shut the shopkeep up for a bit. “R-riggged?” The shopkeep snarled.“Stop making up such stupid claims!” The shopkeep reached down and- 

_Clank!_

The sword the man tried to pull out was knocked to the floor with a dull thud. Before the scammer realized what was happening, the tip of Julius’ sword was pointed at his Addam’s apple. 

Julius snapped his fingers and all six of his quasi-spirits surrounded the man, pulsating with power. 

“ Showing aggression to me, Julius Juukulius, the finest of knights, or to any of my companions is a very bad idea.”. His hair gently swayed in the wind. His confident yet elegant pose, his fiercely determined expression- he seemed like a knight straight out of a fairytale. 

Subaru wanted to rip his hair out. _He’s doing this on purpose to annoy me, isn’t he?_

Julius was, in fact, doing this on purpose to annoy Subaru.

Yet, Subaru couldn’t tear his eyes away from his friend. A weird feeling began to rise in his chest. He didn’t know how to process it, so he decided to feel angry instead. _You’re attacking my man’s pride you prissy prick!_

“Now give me the big yellow plushie before I send you to prison for threatening a royal knight and being a con-man.”

The shopkeep, realizing the poor position he was in, gulped. “F-fine.” He gave in and grabbed the pikachu plushie, which was about half his size, and handed it to Julius. “I hope yer boyfriend enjoys it sir. Have a nice rest of your date!” He grumbled.

“Boyfriend?” The weird feeling in his chest bubbled and burst out like a geyser, coloring his cheeks red. “Hey, that’s not funny.” He stammered. He stepped towards the scammer, trying to look as intimidating as possible. Despite the fact he had naturally mean-looking eyes, his poor attempt at a scowl made him look as intimidating as a drunk squirrel.

For a moment, Julius’ knightly radiance wavered. _Is being my boyfriend an insult to him?_ Julius sadly asked himself. _Does he think that lowly of me? Is my love for him unrequited?_

However, before Subaru came any closer to the man, Julius blocked him with his sword arm. “This is not the time to let your emotions get the better of you. Let’s go.”

Those words were as much for him as they were for the former shut-in. 

They proceed to walk away from the shady place in relative silence. For some odd reason, Subaru was blushing and he refused to look Julius in the eye.

“Now then, what are you supposed to say to the man who saved you from a dangerous scammer and won you a gift at the carnival?” Julius said, trying to interrupt the silence. 

Subaru visibly flinched when he asked it. “Th-thanks.” He mumbled, tightyly crossing his arms. 

_What did I do this time?_ Julius asked himself. All he did was win a dart game and possibly save his life. Why would Subaru get mad at that? Julius faced an internal conflict. He didn’t want Subaru to get actually mad at him, but seeing him get agitated what quite a treat…

“My apologies, it appears you did not say it loud enough to let me hear you. What did you say?” He said, his tone shifting from formal to lighthearted and smug. He leaned over and cupped his ear to mess with Subaru further. 

Subaru finally turned towards him, fuming. “I said… THANK YOU, YOU EGOTISTICAL BASTARD!” He yelled at him at the top of his lungs. 

Julius flinched, the sound of his friend’s diatribe still ringing in his ear, even moments after he was done “thanking” him. “It is only my duty as a knight to help those in need.” He goaded.

Subaru replied with an audible groan. He caught onto the game Julius was playing, and refused to give him any more entertainment.

The plushie then caught Subaru’s eye, and his mood shifted instantly, from that similar to a moody teenager to that of an excited child. “The pikachu is huge!” Subaru exclaimed as he struggled to pry it from Julius’ grasp. He wormed his way in between Julius’ arms and tried his best to pull it out of his grip. 

“You want to carry it? It seems inconvenient to carry around.” Julius said, unbothered by Subaru’s attempts. 

“I-I’ll do it” Subaru insisted. _First the bravado in front of that scammer guy, then forcing me to thank him and now this?_ “ If you can carry it, so can I.” With one final yank, he was able to free the plushie from Julius’ grasp. The weight of the toy caused Subaru to wobble and take a few shaky steps back.

Subaru let out a yelp as he slipped over a crack on the floor. Julius rushed over to him in a blur and caught him by the waist before his friend hit the floor. 

“Uhh” Subaru stammered. Julius’ arm was wrapped around his waist, and his fingers gently rested on the tip of his hip bone. Julius looked at the former shut-in with an intense yet concerned gaze. The pose they were in would be straight out of a shoujo manga if it wasn’t for the fact a giant pikachu plushie was sandwiched in between the two.

“I’m fine!” Subaru exclaimed as he broke out of Julius’ grasp. “Stop being such a-”

“You almost got yourself hurt.” Julius said as he helped him up with his hand. “Are you sure-”

“Just stop being... you goddammit!” Subaru cried, burying his face into the plushie. _Why does he have to push all of my buttons now?_

Julius frowned to himself as he let go of Subaru’s hand. Why was he getting so upset now? Julius wasn’t messing with him anymore. 

“Oh, I am wounded by your cruel words.” Julius overdramatically said as he laid his hand on his forehead.

“Sh-shut up.” Subaru took a few more steps and did a little twirl. “See? I’m fine. No knightley assistance required!” He looked awfully proud of himself.

Julius chuckled in response to his friend’s antics.

He would keep a closer eye on him, just in case. Julius realized that Subaru would be much slower if he carried the plushie, which would prevent Subaru from rushing off and getting lost too easily. Also, Subaru carrying that giant pikachu thing would make him incredibly easy to spot in a crowd. In the end, it was ultimately beneficial if he let Subaru carry the plush.

Julius picked up the pastry basket. Subaru didn’t touch it, as he had ordered him to. And yet, doubt began to creep into Julius’ mind. He had expected Subaru to eat it, and yet he didn’t. He was terrible at keeping promises, after all. Julius did catch him trying to grab a macaron a few minutes ago when he was asking him some questions. _Was he really stress-eating this entire time?_

“But wow, you were scary over there.” Subaru grinned deviously. “I never knew you were the type to cheat. I never knew you had a dirty side, Julius.”

_That is what he focuses on? Not the fact he drew out his weapon? Julius asked himself, growing increasingly concerned. I did knock it out before he could see it for more than a brief moment, but it should have at least bothered him._ That was another one of Subaru’s qualities that bothered Julius the most. He had no survival instinct. While he kept getting away with being reckless now, one day, Julius was sure it was going to be his demise. _What have you gone through to make you like that?_

“Really?” Julius took that as a complement. “You always manage to bring it out.” He poked his friend in the chest accusingly. “Tell me your secret”

Julius’ prod sent shivers down his spine. “A-anyways,” Subaru said as they walked away from the stand, trying to change the subject “You are going to let that man go?”

“Of course not. I sent some of my quasi spirits to notify the royal guard. In fact, he will be encased in ice in just a moment, so there’s no way he can avoid capture.” As if right on cue, his sword glowed blue. He pulled it out and muttered an incantation, causing a flash of blue light to come out the tip of his sword and travel over to the shady stall. The crackling of ice and the muffled swearing of the man acted as confirmation that he had landed true. “There is nothing in the world I hate more than those who prey on the weak willed. Plus, he did try to threaten a royal knight and his companion.” Julius smiled at the thought of that arrogant man getting what he deserved. 

“Jeez, you should remind me more often to not get on your bad side.” Subaru muttered in fear and in respect. However, he couldn’t resist ogling and Julius’ malicious smile.

___________________________________

“Where did you originally come from? Clearly not Kararagi, since you seem so familiar with that ‘pikachu’ thing, and judging from your clothes.”

“I told you already, didn’t I? I’m from a faraway land. Called Japan.” Subaru replied, his face souring. When he thought about his homeland, his mind never failed to wander towards his parents. Who he left behind. Who are probably depressed and desperately looking for him at this moment. _They probably think that I killed my…_

“Can you go back? Can I see your homeland too?” Julius asked, his eyes lighting up like a lightbulb. Julius loved studying cultures and mythos, so hearing that there was a country somewhere he never even heard about was a very exciting prospect indeed. It could hopefully get him to have a deeper understanding of Subaru as well. Another part of Julius was curious what Subaru’s parents were like. If their child turned out that… interesting then Subaru’s parents must be a riot.

Subaru flinched. Julius could tell his question hit a nerve in Subaru. He began to tremble, and when he turned to face him, Subaru looked like he was on the verge of tears.

“My sincerest apologies.” Julius said, already knowing the answer. He reached out to Subaru in an attempt to comfort him. “You and your parents are… separated, I see.” He awkwardly waved his hands around, well aware of the fact this was a very uncomfortable topic to bring up. “I- my parents- I do not know if this will lessen your pain, but my parents are..” Julius paused, struggling to find a euphemism. “Late, so please know that you aren’t alone.”He continued, trying his best to put back on his knightly facade in another attempt to calm Subaru. 

People are always happy and safe when a knight is around. Julius reasoned. So if I want Subaru to be happy and safe... 

Subaru clung to his gloved hand, and began to pull it towards his chest. He then hesitated for a moment, his face flushing a bright red. He then gently swatted his hand away. 

Julius let his hand fall to his waist with a disappointed sigh. He’s mad at me, isn't he? Julius asked himself, regretting the fact he brought up that topic. 

Subaru frantically rummaged through his pockets, looking for any excuse to change the subject. 

Julius cleared his throat. “ Subaru, I’m so sorry-”

“Have you ever tried out mayo?” Subaru interrupted, pulling out a mayo jar out of his pocket. 

“Mayo?” Julius echoed, thrown off by Subaru’s sudden change of topic and positive shift of mood. 

“Yeah! Mayo is the best sauce ever! This mayo is homemade, using the secret Natsuki family recipe!” He declared, striking another one of his odd yet iconic poses.

“What does this ‘mayo’ taste like?” Julius asked, knowing full well that he would regret to ask such a question. But it was a foreign food he never heard about, so he couldn’t resist not asking about it. 

"Smooth, creamy, lightly tart, unctuous, tangy, gloppy, unapologetically oleaginous." Subaru declared, striking different poses as he continued to speak, each one more dramatic then the previous one. "It's hard to describe without just listing the ingredients, butttt that would spoil the secret Natsuki recipe! The ingredients harmonize together so well, that the whole is truly greater than the sum of its parts. The only way for you to truly comprehend the magnificence of Mayo is for you to try it yourself " 

“Huh? W-what about eating utensils?” Julius asked, slightly aghast. “Do you eat it with your-”

Subaru ignored his remarks as he dipped his finger in the mayo, and shoved it into Julius’ open mouth. 

“Mph!” Julius grunted. His mind was in shock, and he instinctively shut his lips, trying desperately to push Subaru’s finger out. However, once his tongue made contact with Subaru’s finger, his ears flushed a bright pink.

“So, how do you like it?” Subaru asked, grinning eagerly as he looked at Julius’ blank expression. He shivered as he felt Julius’ tongue tickle his finger. Then he shuddered as he felt Julius’ teeth softly press against his finger. It reminded him of the time he was eaten alive by the great rabbit. 

Julius spit his finger out of his mouth. “It’s okay.” He lamley stated. He secretly enjoyed it quite a bit (maybe even more than he should have since he thought it was Subaru’s cooking), but he wasn’t going to admit it to his face. “I like ketchup better.”

“I-inconceivable!” Subaru exclaimed. “I thought you were a man of fine taste, but it seems I was mistaken.” 

Julius had never tried this ‘ketchup’ before. He just said it to piss Subaru off. 

“But I’m not surprised that you remembered to bring your mayo jar and not your coin purse.” Julius said, a smug smirk growing on his face.

“H-hey! What are you implying!?!?” Subaru exclaimed, making a pathetic attempt to grab Julius’ collar. 

Julius stayed silent in response, growing more conceited by the second.

___________________________________

 _Subaru would look nice in these dresses…_ He absentmindedly thought to himself, as he pressed his hand against the glass of the display case. The white dress in particular, elaborately decorated with gold furnishings, gaps to show off the wearer’s shoulders, and collar to cover the wearer’s neck- With a proper wig and some makeup, Subaru, with his somewhat petite form, would look absolutely-

“I didn’t know you were the type to appreciate fashion, Julius~” Subaru said with an eager smile. The idea of shopping made him happy, but the idea of a potential time waster made him even more happier.

“I was only-” 

“Shush.” Subaru interrupted, placing a finger on Julius’ lip. “This is a sign from the gods of fashion! They demand that you get a new set of clothes that is not a knight’s uniform!” He declared. Subaru proceeded to cross himself in the western tradition to further weird Julius out, tapping his forehead, chest, left shoulder, and right shoulder before clapping his hands together in a prayer.

The giant pikachu they were holding made them stand out amongst the elegant environment and clientele of the shop. Subaru was not dissuaded by this, and immediately dragged Julius over to try on some of their wares, much to Julius’ chagrin.

Time seemed to blur by Julius as Subaru forced him to try various different outfits. Each piece of apparel he tried on made Julius less and less interested in what was going on, until finally, Julius zoned out. Julius snapped out of his haze when Subaru harshly shoved some oval-speckled glasses onto Julius’ face. He flinched, awkwardly readjusting the glasses After a few moments of inspection of his work, Subaru smiled to himself. “You don’t look half bad”

“I thought that when you called me a nerd you meant it as an insult.”

Julius was right- the outfit Subaru had amassed had made Julius look rather… bookish. In combination with the glasses, Subaru had chosen a loose dark purple cashmere scarf, an elegant black overcoat with a finely-fitted white tunic underneath, black gloves with purple accents, fancy black pants gridded with purple accents, and the same back boots he had worn before. 

This particular quip seemed to get under Subaru’s skin quite a bit. “Shut up you, you.. nerd!”

“Is that the best insult you got? How disappointing. Also, it is inappropriate to insult people while we are in a fancy environment such as this.” Julius said, purposely trying to annoy his friend even more. Seeing Subaru get upset was always oddly endearing. However, before Subaru could respond by shouting loud profanities his way, he walked over to the tailor at the store and asked to buy what he was wearing.

While it was quite pricey, Julius did indeed admit it did look good on it and he did indeed need more changes in clothes. Plus, he betted Subaru would never forgive him if he just threw away all the effort he put into picking and choosing the outfit. In fact, Julius was quite surprised by how good it looked. Subaru, who always wore that weird tracksuit, had a shockingly good taste in fashion. _If only he put more effort in his appearance… ___

____

Of course, Julius changed back into his classic knight’s uniform before they got back out to the outside of the store.

______________________________________ _

Julius looked at the sky and frowned. The sky was getting dark, and clouds began to fester. _Great._ Julius mused to himself. Subaru was a magnet for trouble, and he had a knack for getting lost (or at least Julius _hoped_ he did), so Subaru being alone in the capital in dark and stormy weather was basically a ‘double whammy’ as Subaru would call it. Their “not a date”, as both of them had assured themselves and many onlookers, had to soon come to an end.

____

Julius had managed to squirm as many questions as he could while they were talking, and Subaru replied with answers that more often than not opened up even more questions. Of course, Julius questioned Subaru about that too.

____

Julius did feel bad asking him so many questions, especially since he had specifically requested for him not to ask them. Julius tried his best to ignore Subaru’s uncomfortable shifting and body language. _I’m sorry but I am doing this for you, Subaru._ Julius would tell himself every time his friend looked particularly troubled. _I am doing this to make sure you will be safe, and so that you will no longer suffer by yourself._ He wanted to tell Subaru that, but every time he opened his mouth to do so, the words simply did not come out.

____

Of course, they did have their fair share of fun- Julius had a blast seeing Subaru struggle to find cash to buy a snack, and fighting with him over pastries, just to name a few of the activities they enjoyed together. The target game fiasco was also an experience for them both as well. There was also the time where Subaru had dragged Julius into a high-end clothing store. It was Julius’ fault that he noticed the store in the first place.

____

And yet, Julius had more questions to ask Subaru. 

____

More specifically, two questions to ask Subaru.

____

1\. Who was the identity of the veiled woman?

____

2\. What is your secret?

____

However, whenever Julius tried to bring up those two questions, Julius got an ominous feeling within his gut. While he did question Subaru despite his wishes, he did not want to push Subaru too much, and he felt that those questions would make him especially uncomfortable. He already went too far when he forced him to talk about his homeland, so he was especially wary of asking him those two questions in particular, in case he provoked an… unpleasant response.

____

Julius sighed to himself and rubbed his temples.

____

Even though he had spent nearly half a day questioning Subaru, he still couldn’t piece together the puzzle that was Natsuki Subaru. Him being from a distant land, his trauma from the witch cult, his knowledge of the witch cult, the witches stench he claimed he had, his relation to the mysterious veiled lady, his attachment to lady Emilia… there were so many pieces of the puzzle, and yet Julius was unable to piece a clear picture together. He was missing something important. Something vital.

____

Julius clenched his fists and glanced to the ever-darkening skies. It was now or never.

____

Subaru was minding his own business, sitting down on a bench, holding his giant plush ‘pikachu’, as he called it. 

____

Dread filled his heart as he approached Subaru. He opened up his mouth. Images of all of the signs of Subaru’s discomfort flashed through his mind. _I am doing this for you, Subaru. Please don’t get mad at me._

____

“Subaru,” Julius began. He paused, and gulped. “Do you have any... relations with a veiled woman?” 

____

“A veiled woman?” _Huh?_ Subaru pretended to look confused. On the inside, however, he wanted to scream. 

____

_Blood slowly oozed from the dashing knight’s pale lips, tainiting the pure white of his knight’s uniform. The dying knight raised his trembling hand, slowly, with all of his remaining strength, as he-_

____

_Crap crap crap crap crapcrapcrap._ Subaru thought to himself, violently shaking his head to purge the dark thoughts from his mind. He resisted the urge to pull up his sleeves to scratch himself- that would only make the situation worse, as this would only peak Julius’ curiosity further and he would also see what he did to himself earlier today. Getting Julius concerned was the last thing he wanted.

____

_Dear god, Julius doesn’t know when to quit asking questions._ Not even his best attempt at dissuading him from asking any questions deterred the knight for a moment. _I’m trying to keep you safe goddammit!_

____

_Why was he asking such a question? How did he know about that? Did Satella give him a visit? How? Why? What did she do to Julius?_ Tons of questions surged into his mind as he struggled to formulate a non-suspicious response. 

____

“I-I am acquainted with one.” Subaru decided it was better to tell the truth-kind of, in order to gauge how much Julius knew about Satella.

____

Julius was not satisfied. He noticed how Subaru went pale as a ghost when he asked that question. “W-who is she? What did she do to you?” He asked, growing more and more concerned.

____

Subaru did not like where this was going- if he made one wrong move, it would be ‘game over’, meaning the witch of Envy would kill Julius. _Should I use my trump card?_ Subaru asked himself.

____

If so, what was a possible way to make it all look discreet? Running away and making Julius notice it was on purpose would ruin the point of the maneuver entirely. Not only that, but he had to come up with a convenient excuse to why Julius would need to handle it. He frowned and bit his lip as he struggled to come up with a plan.

____

“Subaru, you are biting your lip again.” Julius looked at his friend, concerned.

____

“Ah!” Subaru snapped out of his thoughts. He had come up with a makeshift plan, now he only had to somehow execute it.

____

“C-can you check the pikachu plushie to see if it is cursed?” Subaru awkwardly blurted out before handing over the toy to the knight. “It came from that very shady guy, so I wouldn’t be surprised if… you know.”

____

Julius looked at his friend sorrowfully. _He’s changing the subject. That woman… what did she do to him to make him afraid to even bring her up?_

____

Subaru stood up from the bench and did some classic radio calisthenics stretches, leaning around in all sorts of directions and waving his arms around in an odd manner.

____

Julius would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy watching whatever Subaru was doing at that moment. In fact, a part of him found it quite endearing.

____

He closed his eyes. _Focus, Julius focus._ The current approach he was trying didn’t work. Maybe doing it somewhere private, like the Juukulius manor, would suffice? _Think, Julius think!_ Julius repeated to himself as he tried to come up with a plan.

____

Once he was done, he opened his eyes to check on Subaru.

____

Subaru had vanished. 

____

“Shit.” Julius muttered to himself in an unknightly manner.

______________________________________ _

Subaru hid in another alleyway, panting. _I can’t believe that my ‘trump card’ worked._

____

Still, it probably made Subaru look awfully dubious. _Me looking suspicious to Julius is a better alternative to Julius being dead_. Subaru decided. That question was too close. _Way_ too close. If he revealed his “special” relationship to Satella, then Julius was as good as dead.

____

Subaru then realized that he could have simply claimed he had taken a vow of silence. However, that still had the possibility of triggering the witch, and Subaru wasn’t about to gamble their lives over something as trivial as wording. Not only that, but he was panicking during that situation, so he wasn’t thinking too clearly. 

____

But that does leave the question of how Julius was aware of Subaru’s relations to a mysterious hooded figure at all. It wasn’t worth the risk to find out, however. 

____

Still, he needed a plan to get out. _A ground dragon carriage ride should be able to take me to Roswaal’s mansion with ease._ He peeked out of the backstreet and eyed a ground-dragon station where he could easily get a taxi ride to the mansion. All he had to do was give the coachman a few coins, and then he would have his ticket home. 

____

The problem with the situation was the line was quite lengthy, especially since everything was starting to get rainy. This meant Subaru would have to wait in the line, which made him easily visible to any passerby, including Julius. Basically, waiting in the line would be a massive leap of faith.

____

Subaru bolted as fast as he could to the line.

____

There were about 20 people ahead of him in the line. Unfortunately, it moved as slowly as a snail, as each ground carriage cart arrived every few minutes and only picked up one or two passengers.

His heart hammered in his chest. Sweat rolled down his forehead, and his breaths became ragged. _God, I hope Julius doesn’t find me._ If Julius found out his secret and paid the price with his life, Subaru would certainly kill himself in order to save him. Of course, there is the chance that the witch would set his save point to the moment Julius died. Even if she didn't, Subaru knew he would spend the rest of his nights haunted by the fact he killed the man he ... liked and by the possibility he created a doomed timeline where both of them were dead.

____

His heart leapt every time a person boarded a dragon cart carriage and as the line inched ever so slowly forward. Of course, every step forward he took, the more anxious he got. By the time there were only four people in front of him in the line, Subaru was unable to hide the fact he was trembling out of pure stress the day had put him through.

____

_I’m almost there!_ Subaru thought to himself as he saw yet another person board a “taxi”. _Three Three more people left!_ Everything started to feel a little bit blurry, and Subaru realized he couldn’t think straight. He couldn’t tell if it was due to the excitement or due to stress.

____

_Ba-bump_

____

Subaru realized needed to calm himself or else he may collapse. Subaru closed his eyes and began to breathe slowly in and out, trying to stabilize his emotions. He heard the next dragon carriage pull up and decided to take a few steps forward.

____

_Ba-bump_

____

He opened his eyes to see that he was the person up next to get picked up by the ground-dragon carriage. The three people in front of him must have been one group. _I’m next I’m next I’m nextI’mnextI’mnext!_ The efforts he had made previously to calm himself had been reversed in an instant, and his thoughts began to slur together in a mixture of anxiety and euphoria. He rested his hand on his chest and realized how freakishly fast it was beating. He leaned on a pillar for support and began to breathe heavily.

____

_Ba-bump Ba-bump_

____

Why was his heart beating so fast? - Was it his guilty conscience? A bad omen? He was in the right after all. Subaru wasn’t running away out of fear, or cowardice. He was doing this for Julius after all.

____

Then, he felt a familiar glow by the side of his face. It was Kua, the blue spirit.

____

_NO._

____

Of course, out of all Julius’ spirits to find him, it would be Kua. She was the one who knew him the best out of the six, after all.

____

_Ba-bump Ba-bump Ba-bump_

____

What was causing his heart to beat so fast? His guilty conscience- no It was a bad omen. It was the witch, gently squeezing his heart, a haunting reminder of what would happen if he let Julius figure out the terrible truth.

____

Subaru scanned his surroundings. There was no Julius in sight. Subaru sighed in relief. While his spirits could pester him, they wouldn’t dare stop him from boarding the carriage… right? Well it didn't matter, he would board the carriage whether or not the spirits wanted him or not. He _had_ to do it in order to save Julius from his own curiosity.

____

The spirit gently smushed against Subaru’s cheek, silently pleading at him to go back. Kua glowed warmly- was she trying to heal him?

____

Panicked, Subaru looked down at his arms. Luckily, his sleeves still covered them. A small smile graced his face. Kua’s warmth reminded him of Julius. _Julius._ Subaru thought, growing concerned. _He must be worried- I’m doing this to save him_ Subaru reminded himself. Subaru sighed and steeled his emotions. He had also taken a liking to Kua ever since she accompanied him through the night. “Sorry Kua, but it looks like I’ll have to leave you and Julius behind.” He sadly muttered to the spirit before proceeding to ignore her.

____

“Ow!” Subaru muttered to himself as a sharp pain erupted from the back of his head. Kua had enough of being ignored and had bonked him on the back of his head. “What happened to your being so- ouch- shy earlier?” He asked Kua, flinching each additional time she flung herself at him. 

____

_Well, I’m glad it's only Kua who’s found me._ Subaru told himself, trying to find an upside of the situation he was in.

____

Then, as if on cue, more of Julius’ quasi spirits began to find Subaru. First was Ia, the red quasi-spirit. Then In, the white spirit found him, then the black and green spirits found him at the same time, and after a little bit of waiting, Ake, the yellow one, found him last. She looked especially pleased with herself.

____

_Ba-bump Ba- bump Ba-bump Ba-bump_

____

Was this a _joke_? A cruel prank God and the witch were playing on him? Or was he in hell, facing eternal damnation to repent for the sinful life he lived on earth?

____

At this point, Subaru wouldn’t be surprised.

____

A nauseating feeling began to build up in his chest. _If Julius found me too, it would be ‘game over’._ Subaru gulped multiple times in order to resist the urge to vomit.

____

_Brrrrrrrt!_

____

Subaru’s eyes widened with hope. His ground-dragon carriage had arrived!

____

He ignored the protests of the spirits as he stepped forward to the clerk. However, he decided to take one look back at the capital in order to calm beating heart.

____

And that is when he spotted him.

____

Julius.

____

_BA-BUMP BA-BUMP BA-BUMP BA-BUMP BA-BUMP_

____

His once dull heartbeat became a deafening roar. Subaru realized he couldn’t breathe. He wanted to scream, but vomit plugged up his throat. He wanted to collapse, but something deep within him forced him to stand. 

____

Reality seemed to bend at the sight of Julius. The sky became an eerie shade of red, the sidewalk began to twist and turn.

____

Snow, white and pure, a symbol of death now for Subaru, began to fall from the sky even though it shouldn’t have. The shadows became alive and reached out towards him- an everlasting symbol of the witch’s twisted love. For a moment, Subaru swore that the witch manifested in the corner of his eye.

____

_This is fake._ He told himself. _The witch isn’t by your side, it isn’t snowing and the sky isn’t red. It’s all fake._ He shook his head and decided to focus on Julius, who Subaru hoped was real.

____

His hair was disheveled. His knight’s uniform was a little bit filthy.He was panting, he was resting his hands on his knees. He held the shopping bags with the clothes Subaru had picked for him in them. The pikachu had also taken a ride in the bag. In a less serious circumstance, Subaru would have laughed at the sight. Despite all of this, in Subaru’s eyes, he looked as handsome and as graceful as ever. There were bags under his eyes, much deeper than he thought they were. He looked… _stressed_?

____

Then, their eyes met. In his eyes, Subaru saw many emotions. First, his eyes softened in relief, then there was shock, betrayal, disappointment, sadness and fear.

____

Subaru felt absolutely horrible. He bit his lip. _I am doing this for you, Julius._ The boy looked forlornly at his friend. _So please… don’t give me that look. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Julius._ He silently begged. _Don’t hate me. Please don’t hate me. I knew this was going to happen. Now that you’ve seen that side of me, he was going to get sick of me. I suppose that is better than the alternative._

____

Julius simply stood there in place and stared, trying his best to keep his typical knightley composure.

____

Blood began to leak out of the corner of his mouth.

____

_BA-BUMP BA-BUMP BA-BUMP BA-BUMP BA-BUMP BA-BUMP BA-BUMP_

____

_How?_ Terror flooded through Subaru’s mind. Did he already figure everything out? Was he too late? Was Subaru so incompetent that Julius figured out everything that he didn’t even realize it?

____

Subaru shook his head yet again. _This is fake._ If he was really hurt, a crowd would have been attracted, and he should have collapsed to the floor by now, and he was still standing in place. He was safe. 

____

_This is fake. He isn’t dead. This is fake. This is fake ThisisfakeThisfakeThisisfake._ Subaru repeated to himself, trying to convince himself he was just seeing a hallucination. 

____

The blood didn’t go away, but Subaru still smiled to himself. _This is fake._ He told himself, utterly convinced. His smile grew even larger.

____

He had won this ‘game’, he realized. Julius was already too late in order to stop him. All he had to do was enter the carriage. That is, unless Julius wanted to cause a public commotion that would be the talk of the capital for weeks and harm the relationship between the Annastasia and the Emilia camps.

____

He gave the knight one final look. _Checkmate, Julius. That horrible vision will never come to pass_ He smiled sadly to himself, knowing he had just ruined their relationship, as he prepared to enter the carriage.

____

Then, right before he stepped into the carriage, he froze. Something was… missing. Subaru’s face morphed into one of horror as he realized what he had forgotten.

____

In order to confirm his suspicions, he slowly put his hands in his pockets.

____

Subaru had forgotten all of his money at home.

____

_NONONONONONONONONONONONO!_ Subaru screamed on the inside.

____

Without any money, he wouldn’t be able to hitch a ride. Subaru froze for a minute, unwilling to accept his fate. 

____

“Ah” He said to the coachman. “You may let the person behind me go first. Something came up, so I’ll be leaving this line.”

____

“Leavin’ the line?” The coachman of the cart called back. “You sure. Then you waited all this-”

____

“Yes, I’m sure.” Subaru interrupted, a hint of anger and frustration in his voice. He then haughtily left the waiting line, trying his best to ignore the quizzical stares of the other customers. The six quasi spirits followed him in a cluster, chattering excitedly amongst themselves.

____

_I have… no other place to go, don’t I?_ Dread began to build up in Subaru’s stomach. Even if he decided not to approach Julius, he would probably chase him down.

____

After what he had done, Subaru could not even look at him. _Just how many more times will I disappoint you today?_ Subaru asked himself. _First with the reveal that I harmed myself last night, then the first time a disappeared on you and now this? It would be a miracle if you would be willing to interact with someone as horrible as me after this._ Subaru hugged himself in order to resist the urge of clawing at his arms in public.

____

Slowly, his eyes wandered towards the knight. He was ready to face whatever reaction awaited him.

____

“I-I’m sorry.” He muttered before seeing what Julius’ reactions would be. “Please don’t leave me. Please don’t be mad at me.”

____

“You idiot.” Julius muttered, with a slightest hint of anger in his voice.

____

Preparing for an angry tirade that he thought he deserved, Subaru shut his eyes and steeled his emotions.

____

However, there was only silence. Subaru then felt something wrap around him. Huh? Subaru thought to himself.

____

He realized that he was being hugged. Again.

____

Julius pulled Subaru into an affectionate embrace, and gently rested his hand on the back of Subaru’s head. “Why on earth would I ever abandon you?” He muttered into his ear.

____

“Why?” Subaru whispered. “Why do you keep forgiving me?” He felt tears began to trickle down his cheek. As he fell into Julius’ grasp, the feeling of warmth and happiness returned to him. The feelings he didn’t deserve to experience at this moment.

____

Julius squeezed him harder in response. “I should be the one who should apologize in this situation. I’m sorry.”

____

This blindsided Subaru. He stopped sniveling for a brief moment. “Huh?” Subaru asked. “Why do you have to apologize, when it was my worthless, selfish-”

____

“Do not speak of yourself so negatively, Natsuki Subaru.” Julius tone took a stricter shift. “You truly are a person worthy of respect. I shall forbid anybody from making such disparaging remarks about you.” He narrowed his eyes at his friend. “Especially you.” He added. “I believe I told you something along the lines of that before, hm?”He looked at his friend quizzically.

____

Subaru inwardly cringed as he reflected back upon the first time he showed Julius _that_ side of him.

____

Julius continued talking. “I should apologize instead because I was the one who made you uncomfortable. I ignored your wishes and simply pushed my own agenda. Please forgive my dishonorable actions.”

____

Subaru simply hiccuped in response and began to weep louder. Recognizing this, Julius decided to bring them both to an alleyway to give them both some more privacy.

____

“You won’t leave me, Julius?” He asked again. He turned his head to look at Julius in the eyes. His eyes, which were typically so mean looking, were soft. So vulnerable.

____

“I will not leave you Subaru. Not now, not ever.” Julisu vowed, his heart melted by the state his friend was in.

____

The gesture should have calmed down Subaru, but in fact it did the opposite. When Julius looked into his eyes, he did so gently and lovingly- the did in the same manner as he did when he was bleeding out in Subaru’s arms in the “premonition” he had.

____

_Why does he have to look at me like… that?_ Subaru began to wail in sorrow. _Don’t die on me Julius. I-I don’t know what to do without you!_ He silently begged, His sniffling became louder too. Subaru wasn’t the world’s prettiest crier.

____

In response, Julius gently hushed Subaru and pulled him tighter into his embrace. In an ever so knightley manner, Julius pulled out his handkerchief and gently wiped his friend’s tears away. When he needed it, he tightly held his handkerchief to Subaru’s nose, enabling Subaru to clear it of any snot. 

____

After a few more minutes of hugging, Subaru’s breathing stabilized and he appeared to be back to normal.

____

“I-I think I’m good.” Subaru lied as he broke out of the hug.

____

_Good? You clearly aren’t good._ Julius looked at his friend, visibly distressed. In fact, the previous incident only confirmed his suspicions. _What in the world is going on with you Subaru? Why are you so scared of your past that you are willing to run away and possibly endanger yourself in order to avoid speaking about it? Do the people in your past still endanger you, even now?_ Julius was indeed regretful that he did make the one he loved uncomfortable. However, now he was a hundred percent certain that there was something _very very_ wrong about Subaru. It was his duty as his friend and as a knight to figure out what it was and make sure he was safe.

____

In order to prevent something like him running away from happening again, Julius needed to take Subaru somewhere more… private in order to properly finish up the interrogation. He instantly decided on a place. _I’ll bring him to the Juukulius villa._ The only problem now was coming up with a proper excuse.

____

“Lets go.” Julius said, tightly grabbing Subaru’s arm. Subaru’s concerning behavior ensured that Julius would keep an even closer eye on him from now on.

____

They proceeded to walk for a bit for a couple of minutes in relative silence. Subaru sighed in relief. _Guess he isn’t interested in questioning me anymore. Thank goodness. Subaru’s cheeks flushed a bit. However, he is keeping me a little bit too… close._ Julius had tightly grabbed his arm, holding him protectively towards his chest.

____

Subaru looked up to the sky anxiously. The sky was covered with a blanket of very dark clouds. _That doesn’t look too good. Hope it doesn’t start pouring on us super soon._

____

Then, as if on cue, A clap of thunder rang throughout the city and it began to pour.

____

_First with the spirits, and now the weather?_ Subaru asked himself. _Is my life some sort of fucked-up comedy?_

____

Subaru shivered. It was pouring, and he was starting to get cold.

____

Julius wrapped his arm around Subaru. “H-huh?” Subaru muttered. Then, he noticed that the rain stopped hitting him. Julius had covered him with his cape, shielding him from the rain.

____

_Ba-bump_

____

“Get closer to me so you don’t get wet.” Julius ordered, pulling Subaru next to his waist.

____

If Subaru thought that he was too close previously, then this would be way too close. They were practically right next to each other. Subaru could feel the beating of Julius’ heart. He clutched at his chest. His heart was beating faster than it should.

____

_Ba-bump_

____

“A-are you okay like that, being like that in the rain?” Subaru stammered. The poor knight was being absolutely hammered by the rain, but didn’t show any signs of being injured. For a moment, Subaru considered taking off his tracksuit jacket in order to cover him. He stopped once he remembered it was hiding some freshly-gotten scratch marks that Julius would be unhappy to find out about.

____

“I’m fine.” Julius sternly replied.

____

_Ba-bump Ba-bump_

____

Subaru felt Julius’ grip on him tighten, and gently guiding him forward.

____

_Why Is my heart beating so fast?_ Subaru asked himself. He wasn’t in a particularly stressful situation. For some odd reason he felt… excited.

____

“Wh-where are we going?” Subaru asked. He was as red as a tomato. Since he was huddled beneath Julius’ cape, he couldn’t exactly tell where they were going.

____

“The Juukulius mansion.” Julius replied. “It’s a short walk from here. There, we can get a carriage to take you to Roswaal's mansion.” He improvised a justification for his claim, hoping Subaru wouldn’t pick up on the fact he wanted to question him some more.

____

Subaru probably would have objected, but the day’s events had worn him out. Not only that, but the very weird feeling in his heart that was there since Julius was so close to him prevented him from thinking properly.

____

_Ba-bump Ba-bump Ba-bump_

____

“S-sure.” He stammered.

____

Julius smiled to himself, despite the fact he was being pelted by the rain- why was he so happy? 

____

“Ia” Julius summoned. The red spirit promptly summoned itself. “You’re wet.” He told Subaru, not realizing the irony. “Let Ia heat you up while we go to my mansion.” He ordered. 

____

“Ah.” Subaru groaned, involuntary smiling. Ia buzzed around him, trying her best to dry him off. His shoulders relaxed. The sensation reminded him of the Sauna’s he visited back in Japan. “Julius had a spirit who can do this to him anytime? What a lucky bastard.” Subaru muttered to himself. 

____

_Ba-bump Ba-bump Ba-bump Ba-bump_

____

Subaru gently placed his hand on his chest, wondering why his heart was beating so fast. It wasn’t Ia’s heating- even though it felt amazing- since his heart was beating fast before that. Their hangout at the capital was over, so there was no reason to be worried.

____

They would briefly visit their mansion, wait for their carriage, and then he’d leave. _There is going to be no funky business going on over there, Subaru_ He told himself in order to calm him down.

____

His face softened as he realized another potential reason why his heart was beating so fast.

____

_Could my heart be beating this fast because I’m in-_

____

_in…_

____

_love?_

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally done with this section! I added an extra chapter, since I got carried away with writing (again). I was inspired by the corset scene in Neisseria_Meningitidis' "Revenge is a dish best served cold". The next chapter is going to be quite... spicy, in more ways then one. Life unfortunately is getting in my way, so I don't know when I am going to release the next chapter, but don't expect it soon, since I have finals coming up for school. Expect it sometime within the first two weeks of February, at the latest.


	5. The Tussle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julius brings Subaru over to his mansion to ask him the questions he couldn’t earlier on the “not a date”. As per the trend, things go awry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For inspiration for this chapter, I would cite "Revenge is a dish best served cold" by Neisseria_Meningitidis and 'Denial Isn't a River in Egypt" by aluminum_seahorse
> 
> Thank you to samisawesam for Beta-reading this chapter!  
> Also, massive kudos to my brainstorming buddy Wishful_Witch. This chapter probably wouldn't exist if it weren't for her.

Julius shut the door of the Juukulius mansion behind him with a sigh. “Free from the rain at last.”

Julius was drenched by the rain. Subaru, on the other hand, was barely wet. He felt a pang of guilt for letting Julius get that soaked.

The Juukulius manor was as extravagant as Subaru had expected. The entrance opened up to a large foyer with a spiraling staircase to the left. The walls were a brilliant white. The foyer had three luxurious couches, and a fireplace by the wall.

However, before Subaru could properly settle in, a slender, finely clothed boy with monocle ran up to greet them.

“Julius!” He said. It was Joshua, Julius’ younger brother. He resembled his brother greatly, having both long, purple hair and slanted, yellow eyes. He paused and made a weird face, muttering “And Sir Natsuki. I should have known.”

“What are you talking about?” Subaru asked, confused.

Joshua brushed off his question. “How was your date?”

For a brief moment, annoyance at Joshua’s pretentiousness flared within Subaru, but it was quickly blown away by the shock of the question. “D-date?” Subaru asked.

_Ah_. He realized. _He must be joking. There’s no way someone like Julius could like me, right?_ “How could I enjoy a date with a wet washcloth like that?”

“W-washcloth!?” Joshua looked aghast. “I-I, h-how” Joshua clenched his fist, barely resisting the urge to go on a diatribe on why Julius shouldn’t be insulted in such a manner.

 _I do not understand what my brother sees in him._ Joshua puffed out his chest and struck a knightly pose, much to the confusion of the two men before him. _Nonetheless, i_ _t is my duty as a younger brother to support him in all of his romantic endeavors._ His eyes wandered over to his brother, who was softly smiling at Subaru, even though he was soaking wet. _Especially since he makes him that happy. No matter how much I think it is a bad idea._

Trying to confirm Subaru’s claim, Julius insisted, “It was _not_ a date. I simply… ran into him in the capital by accident.” On the inside, Julius was abashed. He secretly wished it was a date.

Joshua nodded, but it was clear that he did not believe a word of it. Changing the subject, he offered “here, let me help you with your coat”

 _So you ran into him in the capital and you spent all day with him?_ Joshua thought to himself. _You are just making this seem even more romantic._

“Why did you let yourself get so wet?” Joshua fussed. He eyed Subaru and made an odd face. “Also, why is Sir Natsuki dry?”

“I-I didn’t want him to catch a cold,” Julius said, shifting his weight from side to side.

Joshua wanted to facepalm at his brother’s hopelessness. _You just wanted an excuse to appear knightly to him, didn’t you?_

“Go and change. I don’t want you to make a mess in the manor,” He demanded, shooing his brother away. Julius opened his mouth to protest, but Joshua was not having any of it. “I’ll watch over Sir Natsuki to make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.”

Julius tense shoulders relaxed, satisfied by Joshua’s remark. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. Ia, Aro, my little friends,” He called out as the fire spirit and the wind spirit respectively manifested themselves on Julius’ hand and whizzed around him in excitement. “We have a little job to do.” He said as he hurried off in a side hallway, carrying the bag with the clothes and the “Pikachu” in it off with him.

When Julius was out of sight, he froze. “Ake” He silently muttered. The Earth spirit summoned itself in response. “Keep an eye on Subaru. If he tries to run away, block him off with your Earth Magic and notify me immediately.”

The spirit glowed, happily, honored to be given such an important personal mission. _Ake!_ It cried as it began to whizz off to begin its mission.

“Wait!” Julius quietly called out, causing the spirit to halt in its tracks. “Make sure to stay invisible unless it is necessary. Subaru might get… upset if he realizes you are watch- I meant protecting him.” Subaru was the type who got offended when Julius tried to protect him with his spirits, but that was not the actual reason Julius wanted Ake to remain hidden from Subaru’s sight. If Subaru realized that Julius had set his spirits over to watch him, then he would likely realize something was up with Julius, and realize that he took him to the mansion to question him further, which would jeopardize Julius’ entire plan.

 _Finally, after a year of investigating, I have figured out how he manages to be so unkempt._ Subaru thought to himself. _One day, I will definitely ask him to get the ‘Ia and Aro’ treatment._

Subaru also noticed he brought the new clothes Subaru had bought him as well. _Is he going to change out of his knight’s uniform for once? Thank god._

Joshua sighed. _Julius, you are inordinately overprotective of him. By the Od, you must be absolutely enamored by Sir Natsuki._ He thought to himself, failing to realize that there was something else going on between his brother and Subaru. He turned over to look at the awkwardly fidgeting boy. _Then, I suppose it is my duty as the brother of the most amazing knight ever to try and get to know him. And also suppose I want to find out how he managed to get my brother to like him that much._

“Do you want some alcohol to drink, Sir Natsuki?” Joshua said, trying his best to be courteous to his guest.

“Just call me Subaru. Also, where I’m from I’m not drinking age yet, so my parents would throw a hissy fit if they found out, so I’ll pass,” he said, casually rubbing the back of his neck.

“So, you are too immature to drink alcohol but mature enough to seduce my pure older brother? Whatever you say, Mr. Gold digger.” Joshua muttered to himself, aggressively prodding his monocle.

“Huh?”

Joshua awkwardly cleared his throat. “Appa juice then?”

Subaru rubbed his stomach as it grumbled. “Yeah sure.” The days’ stressful events were over, but Subaru’s stress cravings were still there.

 _Was it a bad omen for what is to come?_ Subaru thought to himself anxiously. _But he apologized, saying that it was wrong of him to ask him those questions._ Subaru thought to himself. _Julius is a prick, but he isn’t that much of a prick. He won’t dare to press me some more now when he just apologized for doing just that a few moments earlier, right?_

While Subaru was lost in thought, Joshua dashed to and from the kitchen and returned with a fancy glass filled with fine-looking appa juice.

 _I guess the entirety of the Juukulius house is this hoity-toity, huh?_ Subaru thought to himself. He had expected a simple juice box, like the ones he could find at his homeland or in the market in the capital. He reached out and grabbed the cup a little too forcefully, almost spilling some of its contents on himself. “Thank you.”

Joshua stared at Subaru warily for a few awkward moments as Subaru sipped on the app juice.

“Where are you and your family from, Subaru?” Joshua sheepishly asked, trying to liven up the conversation. “I had never heard of the surname ‘Natsuki’ before. Are you a foreigner?” He said as he mused to himself.

“Yes. I’m from Kararagi.” Subaru replied. _If I said I was from Japan, that would raise more questions than answers._ _I’ve been questioned on my personal life more than enough today, thank you very much._

“First Anastasia, and now Sir Nats- Subaru too?” Joshua whispered to himself. “So my brother has a type. He has a thing for foreigners, especially those from Kararagi. Great.” Joshua sighed, rubbing his temples. “I should’ve guessed that since he has such an interest in other cultures.”

“Wait… if you have drinks, does that mean that you have food? ~” Subaru said with a perhaps too eager smile on his face. He hoped Joshua didn’t notice the fact his breath began to grow labored. 

Joshua was intimidated by Subaru’s eagerness. “Y-yes. We have cookies?” The excited glint in his eyes told Joshua everything he needed to know. He quickly rushed over to the kitchen.

“Here you go!” He panted as he handed the platter of cookies to Subaru, and then immediately plopped down on the nearby couch to take a breather, daintily dabbing his sweaty face with a handkerchief. It was the first time in a while he had to run like that.

_Maybe I should have asked a maid to-_ Joshua shook his head. _No. It is my duty as a brother to be hospitable to the man he likes._ He then straightened his back and wiped off the last few beads of sweat on his face, trying his best to emulate his brother. _If he so requests it, I would be more than delighted to offer him another snack._

“Soooo…” Joshua said, trying to come up with a topic. However, he was distracted by the ferocious pace at which Subaru was wolfing down the cookies.

 _Why?_ Subaru asked himself. _Why won’t this anxious feeling go away?_

“What is your favorite myth?” Joshua asked, pressing his monocle. Since Subaru got along with Julius so well, Joshua assumed they must share a passion for the mythos.

“Jeez, are you a nerd too?” Subaru said in between mouthfuls.

“H-huh!?!” Joshua was flustered. _How dare you insult me and my brother in such a way!_

“I guess being a prissy nerd must ride in the family then,” Subaru said with a giant smirk on his face.

 _What does my brother see in him? First, he called him a wet washcloth, and now he called us prissy nerds?_ Joshua sharply glared at Subaru. _I’m trying to get along with you here you imbecile!_ Joshua opened up his mouth to berate him.

“And you make that cute face when you are flustered, too,” Subaru said, still with that annoyingly endearing grin.

“H-HUH?!?” Joshua exclaimed, even more flustered than before. His skin turned a bright shade of red. _H-he’s a flirt, too!_ Joshua tugged anxiously at his collar and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself down.

“I am back.” Julius declared. 

Subaru turned to look at him and burst out laughing. “My god Julius, you are wearing another one of your knight uniforms? Even though you just bought a bunch of fancy clothes? You really do have no taste in fashion.”

Julius’ face flushed as he tugged his cape. He was indeed wearing another knight’s uniform, practically identical to the one he just wore previously.

Subaru couldn’t resist grinning even wider. _They even do the same thing sometimes when they are flustered!_

“I-it is a status symbol, and it is expected of me to wear one at all times as I am the f-finest of knights. Plus, Plus, the clothes are wrinkled and need some time to dry.” Julius stammered.

Joshua looked at Subaru with newfound respect. While Joshua looked up to his brother to an extreme degree, he did acknowledge that Julius had no Fashion sense and was constantly dismayed by it growing up. _Is he a man of fine taste as well?_ He looked at Subaru with astonishment. _I never could have guessed that by just looking at him…_

“Ok Subaru, now we will head to my private quarters,” he said as he grabbed Subaru’s arm. 

This time, Subaru was the embarrassed one. “Huh?” Too flustered to realize what Julius was planning, he handed his now cleared off the plate to an equally flustered Joshua before following Julius wherever he wanted him to go.

___________________________________

“One of the servants had ordered a carriage to arrive soon, so feel free to lounge around in here for a bit while we wait,” Julius suggested. Of course, that wasn’t the only thing Julius intended to do.

Subaru immediately threw himself on Julius’ newly fluffed bed. “So comfy…” Subaru felt an aroma of something delectable wander into his nose and shot up immediately. “F-food?”

Julius was munching on a sandwich. “You ate so many Macarons that I went hungry today, so I grabbed a sandwich while I was changing.”

“Gimme.”

“No,” Julius sternly said. “I don’t want you to gain too much weight. Plus, if you eat too much, you might get sick. Plus, you ate some snacks here already, didn’t you?”

Subaru flushed the remark. “N-no.” He mumbled.

“You’re a bad liar. But you should seriously cut down on what you eat, you’re young now so you can handle it but when you are older-”

Subaru lunged towards Julius as fast as he could. Julius simply held the sandwich as high as possible, causing Subaru’s swipe to miss its target.

“No fair!” Subaru cried as he tried to grab the sandwich. He jumped up multiple times to snatch it, but Julius always moved it just outside of his grasp, elegantly sidestepping any advances he made. It was almost as if he was taunting him.

Judging by his smug looking face, he _was_ taunting him.

The sense of dread still remained within Subaru’s gut. _Why am I still nervous?_ He asked himself as he continued to try to grab Julius’ lunch. _The “date” is over. Julius and I are safe- right? He apologized for pressuring me too much, he won’t ask me those questions again._

“Y-you pompous asshole! If you really were the finest of knights, you’d give me that sandwich this instant out of courtesy!” Subaru whined. Subaru stepped on Julius’s foot in order to make him stumble, which backfired and tripped him instead. He tried to change his footing but to no avail. 

Julius quickly caught Subaru, wrapping his arm around Subaru’s waist to ensure he didn’t fall. Before Julius could ask if he was okay, Subaru pushed himself out of Julius’ grip, causing his and the taller man’s chest to press against each other. Still determined, he awkwardly sidestepped, turned around, and pounced on him from behind.

He was met with a jerk to his frail arm, putting his attempt to get the food into a grinding halt. Julius had intercepted Subaru’s hand with his own and squeezed it tightly as Subaru struggled on his tippy-toes to let it free.

Like a prideful beast toying with its nimble prey, Julius dangled the sandwich above Subaru and smirked at Subaru’s futile attempts to grab the snack.

 _The fact he is slightly taller than me… is really pissing me off!_ He fumed at the man as he made even more in vain attempts to grab the sandwich. _Stop being so… dashing and stop attacking my manliness!_

“Since when was it honorable to give food to a glutton?” Julius replied in the most presumptuous manner possible.

 _This horseplay could possibly make Subaru more receptive to answering the questions I want to ask him._ Julius told himself in order to calm down the knightly side of him. _Plus, he looks cute..._

It was a bullfight, where Julius was the matador, Subaru the bull, and the sandwich was the red piece of cloth.

After a few more seconds of struggling, Subaru figured out a way to free himself. In an impressive display of his core strength, he lifted both of his feet and pushed them against Julius, forcing him to let go and allowing Subaru to land back on his feet.

Subaru realized that his current strategy would not work. _I need to do something else._

Before Julius could realize something was amiss, Subaru flung himself at Julius like a wild banshee.

“H-hey!” Julius exclaimed, taken aback as Subaru grabbed his elbow of the hand that was holding the sandwich. “That is not- very- Chivalrous-” Julius struggled to form a sentence while he tried to shake off Subaru with his free hand. He winced as Subaru used the top of his hamstring muscle as a footrest. Fending off Subaru while ensuring he wouldn’t be able to grab the snack was quite a difficult task.

Subaru suddenly shifted upwards, allowing him to feel Subaru’s breath tickle the nape of his neck. His ears flushed pink, and his mind blanked. _He’s so close._ Julius began to wobble as Subaru made another attempt to grab the sandwich.

A shadow of Subaru’s hand danced across Julius’ face. _My Sandwich!_ Julius snapped back into his senses. Subaru was reaching towards the sandwich, his fingers a few inches from his prey. Julius raised his hand to block him, but he shifted to the side uncomfortably. He was losing balance.

The situation was dire. _What can I do?_ The knight asked himself as he tried to come up with some sort of plan. Julius looked over to the bed and his eyes lit up. _This seems like a maneuver Subaru would do._ He mused to himself. Julius leaned towards the bed, and jumped, throwing him and Subaru onto the bed.

“Oomph” Subaru grunted, signaling that Julius’ impromptu plan of trapping Subaru between his back and the bed had worked perfectly.

An arm soon shot out from underneath Julius’ back. “Aha!” Subaru cheered.

“Not so fast,” Julius, with his free hand, went down to stop the escape attempt. He could feel Subaru tense up underneath him as he resisted Julius pushing his arm back with all of his might. Julius didn’t show it nor did he want to admit it, but he was taken aback by the resistance Subaru put up, and they were locked into a stalemate. That was until Julius shifted his position, enabling him to put Subaru back in his previous dilemma with a forceful shove. 

To rub things in, Julius leaned harder on Subaru and took a giant bite of sandwich. “This tastes quite exquisite.” 

_Should I ask him about the question now?_ An uneasy feeling returned to the Knight’s gut. _I... should ask him it soon. We’re in a more secure place, so Subaru should have no qualms talking about it now._

There was more to why Subaru ran away. Julius knew that. He just didn’t want to admit it to himself.

Subaru knew that overpowering him was not possible. _I need to somehow get rid of him another way._ He grinned to himself devilishly as he quickly came up with another plan. _You aren’t the only one who’s able to make up things on the fly, Sir Asshole Knight._

 _Step one: Roll over to face Julius’ back._ Subaru told himself as if he was reading off of a guide or a cheat sheet to solve a puzzle for a video game. As he shifted his weight to the side, he was met with a great sense of discomfort. Julius was leaning on him, causing his arm to be pinned in an uncomfortable position. _Crap._ He decided to shift another ten degrees, only to be met with his right cheek being smushed. _This… is going to take a while._ Subaru gritted his teeth. He was originally face-first on the bed, meaning that he would have to do a full 180 turn in order to go onto the next objective.

Julius felt Subaru shift underneath his back. He immediately realized that Subaru was up to mischief. He braced himself to lean harder, but he was met with a pang of guilt. _I did shove him in quite harshly. That was quite ungentlemanly of me._ He silently chided himself. _Maybe I should go a little easy on him. Remember, you are here to ask him the question._ He told himself as he decided to lean a little less hard on his friend. _Plus, I am quite curious to see what he can come up with._

After what felt like forever, Subaru was finally facing Julius’ back. The only thing he could see was white, and he could feel his nose press up awkwardly against his back.

 _Step two is where the fun begins._ Subaru’s devilish smile returned. _Step two: Initiate!_

“S-say, Subaru.” Julius awkwardly stammered. “Why-”

Subaru reached out his finger and ran it down Julius’s spine.

“Ah!” Julius yelped, arching his back to dodge this unwelcome sensation that shivered down his back. A soft itch stimulated sensitive skin and sent shockwaves throughout his body.

 _So he’s ticklish._ Subaru smiled to himself wickedly. _Step two is going to be a critical success!_ A weird feeling rose in Subaru’s chest. Subaru had always enjoyed seeing Julius’ vulnerable side, but he never saw Julius do -that- before. 

_I have to do this some more._ He took advantage of the extra space to get his second hand in on the action too. He eagerly prodded Julius’ muscled back, savoring each and every jerk and yelp he provoked. Each poke, each time he ran his finger down Julius’ back, Julius squirmed more and more. All of this was building up to something, and Subaru wanted to see what it was.

 _So this-is what he-was planning._ Julius attempted to keep a poker face as attempted to still keep Subaru pinned down. _I-must-keep-my-composure-_.

Suddenly, Julius heard a boisterous voice hollering with laughter. His own body tensed as he threw his head back, his mouth hanging open as he began to tremble violently. After a few seconds of senseless wriggling and involuntary movement, he realized through foggy thought that the same laughter was his own. This unbearably funny sensation seized his consciousness, overwhelming him with both excitement and annoyance at once. The aggressor, who started out only with his back, has now wrapped his arms around his stomach, causing a tingling sensation to erupt from there. He had already lost any sense of fleeting control over his body and was now instinctively kicking and pushing against his attacker’s grasp, only to fall back down as this intense thrill reverberated throughout his body.

Subaru’s strategy had more than succeeded- Julius rolled off of him and now was on his side, a giggling mess, the question he wanted to ask a mere afterthought. Not only that but in his excitement over the tickling, Julius let go of the sandwich and left it wide open for Subaru to grab.

“Haha! I am victorious!” Subaru declared as he finally managed to grab the sandwich with his own hands. As payback for earlier, Subaru decided to do his classic cheesy ‘victory’ pose and took one big bite out of the sandwich. He then realized that part of what he had bitten off was previously chomped on by Julius, causing him to freeze up. _An indirect kiss!_ Subaru’s gasped. _How gross._ A high-pitched squeal erupted from his mouth as he covered his face in shame.

 _Huh?_ Julius groggily looked towards Subaru, who was curled up in a ball in the corner of the bed, muttering something odd to himself. _The tickle!_ Julius’ mind was still foggy. _I…_ An odd, giddy, immature feeling rose in his chest. Subaru managed to bring out the worst in him, but he hadn’t felt like this since the flood- _I need to get revenge._ A childish grin spread across his face.

“Gah!” Subaru cried out in shock. His arm- Julius had grabbed it at lighting speed and pulled it towards him with a yank, causing Subaru to topple over to his side.

 _Crap._ The former shut-in awkwardly tried to reposition himself as Julius began to pull him closer. _At this rate, he’s going to get the Sandwich - Wait, why do I care about the sandwich so much?_ Subaru asked himself. The bad feeling in his gut suddenly festered, almost as if it was responding to him.

 _I’m not going to go down without a fight!_ Subaru managed to reposition his lower body to enable him to dig his feet into the bed to hopefully provide more friction. Julius only pulled him in even harder. _Why can’t I do anything?_ While Julius was using more of his strength than Subaru was used to, it was obvious to him that he wasn’t using his full strength. _God, he’s so…_ He couldn't tell if he wanted to compliment or insult him. His eyes wandered back to Julius. There was something voracious about his expression and the glint in his eyes. Subaru’s cheeks flushed. Was he hungry for the sandwich, or was he hungry for -?

Subaru’s thoughts were interrupted by the sudden jolt of Julius (gently) pushing him away. “Uwah!” Subaru grunted as he was suddenly flipped on his back, his legs spread wide open as he flailed about helplessly.

In a swift motion, Julius pinned down Subaru against the bed. They were close. Incredibly close. Their bodies were pressed up against each other. Subaru’s lower lip quivered with excitement, and for the first time since he entered the mansion, his unease was dwarfed by some other sensation. 

___________________________________

 _I wonder what those two are doing?_ Joshua asked himself. He was reading his book, but he still couldn’t satiate his curiosity after the events that just took place earlier. _Since they went to his private study_ … Joshua’s face flushed. _No way! My brother is too pure and noble to do something like that. He is simply… having a private discussion with him. --_

_\------That just raises even more questions._

All of the other answers he came up with for what they were doing in Julius’ private chambers did not satiate his interests, either. Joshua sighed in resignation. He got up and froze I’ll _just… take a peek!_ Joshua told himself, a bead of sweat trickling down his forehead. _Indeed! And then, I’ll see they are simply relaxing, and then I’ll go back to minding my own business._

Joshua slowly approached Julius’ private chambers, making sure his footsteps would not make a sound. When he was right in front of the door, he paused.

He couldn’t hear a thing. Well, that was to be expected, as Julius' private chambers were pretty much sound-proof, so somebody could yell at the top of their lungs and anybody who was outside of the room would be unable to hear a thing.

 _Right. Here we go._ Joshua took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. _Why am I nervous? H-he may like Si-Subaru, but there is no way that man can corrupt my magnificent brother like that._ He pinched his cheeks to get himself to focus. Joshua then took a deep breath and slowly reached towards the doorknob with a trembling hand.

He opened the door only a sliver so that nobody would notice his little peeping. _It will only be a peek._ Joshua decided to cross his fingers for good measure as he leaned forward to get a better view of what Subaru and Julius were doing.

He saw Julius. On the bed. He was positioned weirdly, almost as if he was on top of something, and wanted to keep it on the bed. He then saw someone’s legs, squirming. Joshua knew they weren’t Julius’ due to their positioning and the fact they did not match with Julius’ uniform. Then that could only mean that it was --

\---Subaru’s.

_Huh?_

Joshua then heard a grunting noise. The person on the bottom-Subaru- tried to do something, but Julius lunged forward to stop him. From Joshua’s position, it looked like Julius made a thrusting motion. Subaru’s legs were spread open- was he straddling Julius?

_M-my brother and Subaru are…_

_...._

Joshua had seen enough.

He closed the door shut. His face was a bright red, and Joshua struggled to breathe. He was too shocked to even think of something to think. He knew one thing for sure:

He would never look at his brother in the same way again. 

He bolted away from Julius’ private chambers, and to the opposite side of the manor. Once in the remote corner of the manor, Joshua could finally compose his thoughts.

“I-is this an elaborate ruse?” He asked himself.

 _I should not have peeped._ Joshua thought to himself, burying his face in his hands. _Julius was so… assertive and unknightly!_

Images of Julius pinning down Subaru flashed through his mind. _Wh-what kind of seduction did Subaru pull on Julius to bring out such a brutish and inappropriate side of my brother? What a pervert! Not only that, but they did it with their clothes on? I was not aware my brother had such strange fetishes Joshua_ wanted to scream.

_Who knows dirty things Subaru did with him in his knight’s uniform when nobody was looking?_

While Julius’ lack of fashion choice did make Joshua judge his brother slightly every time he wore it unnecessarily, this was the breaking point.

Joshua wanted to...

What was that weird saying Subaru said whenever he desperately wanted to forget something he just saw?

He needed some ‘eye bleach’, whatever that was.

_____________

Julius felt a pang of pity for his squirming friend pinned below him, who was now not so quietly swearing underneath his breath and was getting more and more agitated by the moment, still eyeing the sandwich which now sat idly by Julius’ leg.

 _I should go a little easy on him._ Julius slackened his grasp on Subaru. _If he gets upset, then it would counteract the whole purpose I am doing this to him in the first place._

Subaru’s eyes dilated as he noticed an opportunity arise. With a surprising amount of strength, Subaru freed his arm and lunged towards the sandwich.

This went as well as Subaru expected- he was quickly intercepted by Julius. The knight, however, now was leaning on his side, wobbling due to the awkward position he was in.

 _Whew. That was-_ Julius’ train of thoughts were interrupted by the fact the air was knocked out of his lungs. Subaru had tackled him, and he was falling over from the impact of it. Instinctively, Julius reached over to regain his balance. _The first attempt was just a distraction? Color me impressed. I… shall give this to him._ Julius accepted his fate as he felt his back collide with the soft mattress.

He wove their fingers together and pushed them against the bed, further restricting his movement. Julius squirmed and softly pushed against Subaru, miming an attempt to escape. Subaru’s eyes perked, and flumped his bottom onto Julius’ stomach, knocking some air out of his lungs.

Julius’ mind froze from the shock. _That actually hurt a little -_ All of his complaints melted away as he gazed upon Subaru’s triumphant smile. His heart hammered in his chest as he stared at him for a few moments, awestruck. _You know, I get such a great view from down here that I don’t mind staying here for a little while longer._ He mused to himself.

“Jeez,” Subaru said, gloating over his victory as he took a bite out of the sandwich. “I expected the Finest of knights to put a little more of a fight than-”

 _Thud._ In less than an instant, Julius had overpowered Subaru and their positions had swapped yet again. Julius let many things slide with Subaru- but an insult to his knighthood and his pride, and eating his lunch? Even Julius had his limits.

Eventually, Julius got concerned about their conflict being too one-sided, so he let Subaru have the upper hand. That was until Subaru did something to tip Julius off, causing their roles to reverse again.

And so they proceeded to roughhouse for the next few minutes, in a constant conflict over the sandwich. It came to a point where even Julius began to get exhausted from all of the action. Subaru was absolutely worn out but was too prideful to admit it.

Julius yet again let Subaru pin him down. He could tell Subaru was getting exhausted. His chest was heaving due to his labored breathing, and Julius could feel some of his sweat drip onto his face. His hair, which was usually combed back in a semi-neat manner, was now let down in front of his face. Julius considered telling him about his hair but deep down, Julius thought he looked handsome with his bangs hanging down, so he didn’t tell him.

Julius was a little bit frazzled too- his Uniform was wrinkled to such a degree where Julius considered changing out of it once Subaru had left, and his hair had turned into an owl’s nest, putting Ia’s and Aro’s hard work to waste.

The bed was also disorganized- sometime while they were fighting, the blanket flew off, and Julius lost track of one of his pillows.

 _I should stop making excuses and get this over with._ The responsible and mature side of Julius told him in the back of his mind. _But…_ Julius’ cheeks flushed. _I do not want to interrogate him in this position._

He immediately eyed the sandwich that was hanging in Subaru’s mouth. _While I could go the traditional route and just overpower him like usual, but I want to get back at him for the first time he knocked me over._

With relative ease, Julius freed his hand out of Subaru’s grasp. He then reached towards the sandwich and tugged it. However, he was met with a surprising amount of resistance.

Julius then felt a slight pain on his finger. Subaru had playfully bitten him in the finger, and now just let his gloved finger slowly slip out of his mouth as he pulled his head up to properly reclaim the snack.

“Y-you-” Julius stammered, a shiver going down his spine. His face burned a furious red, and yet he found himself licking his lips.

Too excited to control himself, Julius flipped Subaru over and pinned him down on the bed in a blur. He heard Subaru audibly gasp as the bed shook due to the impact.

_Ba-bump_

Julius looked down to see Subaru, his face flushed, underneath him again.

The once-proper man was panting like a wild animal, his face contorted with a wild smile, his eyes with a ravenous glint in them

Their bodies were so close. Their legs were almost entangled together, their chests pressed up against one another. Julius swore he could feel their hearts beat in unison.

_Ba-bump Ba-bump_

Subaru pouted ever so slightly as the remainder of the sandwich fell to his side with a dull thud. Subaru squirmed about, stumbling like a newborn fawn that had been chased to the point of exhaustion. 

His eyes, which usually were mean-looking, were soft. As he lay helpless, resigned on the bed, his skin burning and his lungs feeling as if they were about to collapse, he stared upwards and anticipated his fate. 

Despite the fact he was almost immobilized by exhaustion, Subaru still pushed himself to form a shit-eating grin to mock the man above him. Stubbornly, the excited look in his mean eyes betrayed his doe-like-appearance.

_Ba-bump Ba-bump Ba-bump_

Julius couldn’t tell what Subaru was feeling.

Was he scared? Excited? Nervous? 

He looked so… helpless.

Julius nestled his chin on Subaru’s collarbone. Subaru flinched in response.

Subaru wrinkled his face, red as a tomato, his body tensed, furrowing his brow as if he was going to spit out some childish insult.

_Ba-Bump Ba-bump Ba-bump_

His eyes wandered over to Julius. He opened his mouth and-

Nothing came out.

His body loosened, his face unwrinkled, and his eyebrows straightened.

Julius leaned over and picked up the sandwich with his teeth.

_Ba-bump Ba-bump Ba-bump Ba-bump_

A piece of the meat from the sandwich fell onto Subaru’s cheek.

Julius smiled to himself. It was his knightly duty to clean it off of his cheek, after all. He gently let the remains of the sandwich fall to his side.

_Ba-bump Ba-bump Ba-bump Ba-bump Ba-bump Ba-bump_

His heart hammered even faster as he slowly leaned towards him, eying both Subaru and the piece of the sandwich on his cheek rapaciously. He opened his mouth and breathed gently on Subaru’s cheek, causing his entire body to quiver. He then leaned even more and----

\---- bit Subaru on the cheek, picking up the piece of the meat in the process.

Embarrassed by what he had done, he lifted his head back up and looked to the side, his ears flushed red. Julius then looked down at Subaru expectantly, hoping to see his flustered reaction.

Subaru didn’t react. He just laid there, frozen like a statue.

“S-Subaru?” Julius looked at his friend, concerned.

 _Crap. --- Did I freak him out by biting him?_ Julius snapped back to normal and began to panic. _Did I hurt him by accident when I pinned him down?_ He let go immediately of Subaru’s hand and got off the bed.

 _I let my feelings get the better of me and acted unknightly and look at what happened._ He thought to himself as he shook him gently.

A horrible feeling began to rise in his gut as he realized Subaru wasn’t responding. Something was wrong. _Could he be-_ Panicked, he quickly reached to check Subaru’s pulse, and was hit with a brief sense of relief as it was still beating.

Subaru just seemed frozen, tense, staring at something. In a desperate attempt to calm himself, Julius tried to reflect upon his training as a knight to see if he could quickly determine what was going on- as a knight, basic medical training was a requirement in case of an emergency arises on the battlefield. He wasn’t a medical expert like Ferris was, so he was not a hundred percent certain that Subaru wasn’t in danger.

Julius’ eye began to water as he began to shake Subaru some more, praying to get something- any reaction from Subaru. He wanted to laugh at the irony of the situation he found himself in. _I did all of this to protect Subaru, but in the end, I was the one who hurt him. I am a pathetic excuse for a knight who can’t keep a promise._ He quickly scooped his friend up in his arms and prepared to ask for some help from the maids.

“AHH!” Subaru screamed at the top of his lungs. A violent tremor ran throughout his body. His arm jerked forward in an unnatural manner, accidentally slapping Julius in the face. Subaru’s sudden outburst and blow caused Julius to flinch and accidentally drop Subaru back onto the bed. Julius then looked upon his friend’s face and was shocked by what he saw:

He wore an expression of pure terror. His eyes were so haunted. No, they reminded Julius of the corpses he saw littered about the battlefield, devoid of life. Even the mean glint within his eyes that Julius had grown to love was gone, replaced by an eerie hollowness. His pupils were focusing on a terrible specter only he could see.

He soon spasmed again, causing him to begin to slide off the bed. Julius caught him. _He’s having a panic attack!_

 _What happened to you to make you like this?_ Julius silently asked him. Was he tortured by the witch cult? No, this was something much worse.

Julius had seen some of his allies have breakdowns in front of him- part of his profession was quite trauma-inducing, unfortunately- but he had never seen a case as severe as this. Part of him secretly wished that whatever this super traumatic event was, it was before Julius had ever met him, and it was far before he ever set foot in Lugnica. That way, he wouldn’t blame himself for failing to protect Subaru from whatever horrible thing happened to him.

 _You hurt him more than you helped him._ A voice in the back of his mind snarled. _You hurt him now, and you hurt him the first time you met._ Julius frowned, reflecting upon the duel they had in the capital. _Was he acting up like that because of severe trauma?_ The knight felt even worse about that situation, and he didn’t know that it was possible. 

Earlier, Subaru had told him to stop beating himself up about it, giving him a whole spiel about how he did it to save him from the royal guard's wrath, and the past was the past and that he should get over it. Despite the as he called it “Tsundere” act, Subaru had pretty much forgiven him the instant that they met up again after Subaru took down the White Whale. It was almost _too_ fast.

It was almost as if he was used to being pummeled about.

That train of thought deeply troubled Julius, so he decided to remedy the situation by hugging Subaru, both to calm down Subaru and himself. He always liked hugs, he realized. He wrapped his arms around his limbs, so Subaru wouldn’t accidentally hurt himself with his flailing.

“You are safe. I am here. I will protect you. Nobody will hurt you anymore.” Julius gently whispered into his friend’s ear, silently praying that his words would bring Subaru back to the land of the living.

\-----

\-----------

_\-------Subaru recoiled in pain and screamed as his hand was bitten clean off by the rabbit._

_It hurt._

_Garfiel had already killed Otto, Ram, and half of the Arlem village’s men. He had no reason to go on in this loop anymore. He knew he was going to die- he wanted to die- but he didn’t want to go out like this._

_He fell back on his butt. The snow was cold. God, Subaru hated snow This cruel world ruined the childlike wonder snow used to inspire in him. Then, he felt something worse than the chill of the snow._

_Pain._

_He looked down to see that his foot had been bitten off. There was a second rabbit. He screamed in pain, but there was nobody left alive but the Rabbit to hear him._

_Panicked, he looked around and realized that there were more of them. Hundreds. Thousands, even. Their endless gluttony had consumed every other living being in their vicinity._

_The Great Rabbit descended upon like a plague of locusts did upon some half-decayed roadkill._

_Part of Subaru was relieved- at least this death would be quick, he told himself._

_He was wrong._

_Pain. It hurt. They were all over him. They were on top of him. They were below him. They were inside him. They were in places they shouldn’t be. Biting and chewing and gnawing and burrowing into his flesh. They were biting, chewing and gnawing and burrowing into his flesh. Biting, chewing gnawing tearing and burrowing into his flesh._

_Was he alive?_

_Was he dead?_

_Subaru couldn't tell._

_He felt a sharp pain in his rear. They were up his ass. They were biting, chewing and gnawing and burrowing up in his ass._

_He wanted to scream, but his vocal cords were chewed off. He wanted to thrash around, but they had chewed off everything he could move._

_Everything hurt._

_He felt another sharp pain, this time in between his legs. Subaru realized that his penis must have been ripped off and his testes torn open._

_Was he dead? He should be dead. They were biting, chewing and gnawing into his flesh. It hurt. They were biting, chewing and gnawing into his body._

_They were biting, chewing and gnawing and burrowing. biting, chewing and gnawing and burrowing biting, chewing and gnawing and burrowing biting, chewing and gnawing and burrowing biting, chewing and gnawing and burrowing biting, chewing and gnawing and burrowing biting, chewing and gnawing and burrowing biting, chewing and gnawing and burrowing biting, chewing and gnawing and burrowing biting, chewing and gnawing and burrowing biting, chewing and gnawing and burrowing biting, chewing and gnawing and burrowing biting, chewing and gnawing and burrowing and biting and chewing and and bitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingandbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingandbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingandbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowing-_

“SUBARU!” Julius cried out.

Subaru was flailing about violently. Despite his best attempts at keeping him still within his grasp, sometimes his thrashes would escape, occasionally slapping Julius in the face. When he wasn’t convulsing, he was clawing frantically at Julius’ back. Luckily for him, his cape and padding ensured it wouldn’t leave any lasting marks. He did still feel a slight sting, but what hurt Julius more was the state Subaru was in.

His mouth was foaming as drool dribbled from the edges of his lips. He constantly opened and closed his mouth, as if he was eating something, the constant rattle of him chattering his teeth reminding Julius of a bad omen. In between his screams, Subaru emitted a low guttural growl from his throat and slobbered over Julius’ once clean knight’s uniform. Tears streamed down from his eyes, and he constantly gasped for air, as if he was drowning. His face contorted in an expression of pure terror, but his eyes were too hollow to convey any emotion.

“You are safe. I am here. You are safe. Nobody can hurt you” Julius whispers grew frantic, his voice cracking with stress as he realized his previous actions were all futile.

Julius looked at the state Subaru was reduced to, horrified. At one point, he thought what Subaru went through was comparable to that of an extremely traumatized soldier.

He was wrong.

Subaru has lived through something much, much worse. Julius saw war, chaos, loss, despair, and insanity on the battlefield. However, what he had seen previously could not compare to the state Subaru was at this moment.

_What caused Subaru to become like this? Who did this to him? What has he been through?_ Julius asked himself as he tried to calm down his friend.

 _And I was foolish enough to think that I was starting to piece together the puzzle of Subaru’s past and his trauma… It appears that I haven’t even scratched the surface._ Julius’ heart shattered into a million pieces. _How did I not notice how traumatized Subaru was? How could I let him suffer like this for so long? I am truly worthless._

A tear trickled down his cheek. If Subaru saw him cry, he would probably tease him about it. Julius shook his head. No, Subaru would get concerned, and do whatever he could to cheer him up. He always managed to cheer Julius up. And then he would tease him about it later. And yet, when Subaru needed it the most, Julius failed to do the same for him.

 _I’m tired of being so helpless. So clueless._ Julius' eyes began to water, and Julius accepted he would have another breakdown in front of Subaru. Again. _Knights aren’t supposed to cry. But yet again, I’m not much of a knight to begin with._

A tear soon turned into another tear, which turned into a torrent. As the tears ran down, Julius began to sob. For his friend, who had suffered so much without nobody even noticing. Out of shame for himself, a knight couldn’t help get him the help he needed or even keep his emotions in check. His knightly facade had crumbled onto the floor, and Julius was reduced to a sobbing mess.

“Burrowingandbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingandbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingandbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingandbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingandbitingandchewingandgnawingandburrowingandbitingandchewingandgnawingand- _”_ Subaru blabbered.

Julius tried his best to ignore his friend’s ramblings as he gently rocked Subaru back and forth, drying his tears on his tracksuit.

“I’m sorry.” Julius whimpered in response. “I’m so sorry, Subaru.”

 _Just… what in the world is your secret, Subaru?_ He asked himself, slowly calming himself down.

_Why don’t you want to tell me? Are you afraid of the people from your past? Or are you afraid of me?_

“D-DON’T EAT ME!” Subaru howled, pushed Julius back with an impressive amount of strength. He managed to free one of his arms and shoved it in his face, smushing one of Julius’ cheeks. Julius’ head barely moved from the impact, but he could feel the muscles at the back of his head strain.

Subaru suddenly went limp like a ragdoll, his arm hanging idly on Julius’ shoulder. “I don’t w-wanna die. N-not again.” He softly whispered.

 _Not again?_ Julius asked himself, his brow furrowing in confusion and concern. _Was he killed multiple times and then revived using something akin to the Immortal King’s Sacrament?_ Julius decided to shift gears- he let out some vital information about what was haunting him and decided to do another attempt at getting Subaru back to reality.

“Subaru, you are not wherever you think you are.” he put his hand on Subaru’s shoulders and tried to stare at him in the eyes.

Subaru didn’t respond, instead just letting his head hang limply as he focused on something to his left. Drool bubbled in his mouth and dripped onto the bed. “

“You aren’t being attacked by some… wild animal, you are here with me, in my private chambers.”

Subaru grunted in response and slowly turned to face Julius. He looked sickly, frail, the total opposite of the lively man Julius knew.

“Subaru!” Julius’ face lit up like a lightbulb. This was the first response he got since his panic attack started.

Subaru grunted yet again, this time with more urgency. He raised his hand and began to reach towards his sleeve.

“No!” Julius said sternly as he grabbed Subaru’s wrist. He caught it in the nick of time- Subaru had just pulled down his sleeve and was just about to scratch it.

“I made a promise to you to never let you scratch yourself again.” Julius softly muttered as he reached down to pull up Subaru’s sleeve.

He suddenly froze as his fingers brushed against something wet.

 _Huh?_ Julius stared at his fingers, dumbfounded. They were red.

His eyes then wandered down to Subaru’s exposed arm.

Scratches.

Bleeding, irritated, varying in both size and intensity marred Subaru’s forearm.

_I thought I had healed all of his scratch wounds when-_

Then the realization hit him.

“--hhk” Julius’ breath caught in his throat.

_He self-harmed while we were together?_

_How? When?_ Julius’ mind raced to all the times he could have done it, in a desperate attempt to prevent the gravity of the situation from settling in.

It had to be when Subaru and him were separated, Julius wouldn’t dare to let Subaru hurt himself on his watch. _So that leaves… the times when we were separated. So after I bought him the Sushi, or the time he ditched me with the “Pikachu”._

 _Each time he “got lost” --_ Julius realized _\-- was after I had asked him a question about his past that made him uncomfortable._

_Failure._

“----aaugh”

Julius whimpered as covered his face with his hands.

He didn’t want to see- didn’t want to accept- what was right before his eyes.

_It’s your fault._

If he hadn’t invited him on the “not a date”, would he still have those awful wounds on his arms?

If he hadn’t failed to keep a closer eye on him, would Subaru still have been as vulnerable to the darkest parts of his mind? If he hadn’t let his emotions get the better of him, would he be reduced to this near-comatose state?

\-----------

\--------------------

\---- He needed to heal Subaru.

“Kua, In” He feebly called out to his spirits. 

The spirits promptly appeared, and danced about the room, concerned about the state their master and the one he held dear were in.

“Heal his wounds,” Julius ordered, his hands still shielding his face.

It would be faster if he helped out too, Julius realized.

_I am only causing Subaru more pain with my theatrics, after all._

Julius bit the inner side of his cheek as he lowered his hands. He slowly, gently, reached out to Subaru’s forearm and forced himself to look at his wounds yet again.

His wounds- they were irritated-- they must have been there for a while. Since near the start of their time together that day.

How did he not notice Subaru was wounded for that long?

_You are absolutley incompetent---_

_\-- an embarrassment, a disgrace to the Juukulius household_

“Auu-ueegh” Julius sobbed.

_Knight’s should not cry._

He dropped Subaru’s arm back onto the bed. Guilt and shame swirled ever more violently in Julius’ chest. He curled up in a ball and planted his face onto the bed.

_If you were not so useless, he would not have hurt himself._

Subaru yelped as he let out another spasm. Julius only curled into himself tighter, too ashamed to look at his friend.

_You hurt him._

_Again._

_You let him hurt himself when he was with you. You’re an embarrassment to the Juukulius household. You can’t even keep a single promise. He scratched himself because of the fact your questioning brought up bad memories. Failure._

“Ju...lius?” Subaru croaked.

Everything was blurry.

“Are you… okay?” Subaru jittered. While he could speak now, he still wasn’t back to normal. Subaru was still crying and struggled to form basic sentences.

_How long have I been crying for?_

“The one who should be asking that should be me, not you.” Julius lamented.

“Ah-”

In a blur, Julius threw himself on top of Subaru and clutched his shirt, yanking Subaru’s back off of the bed with anger Subaru never knew he had. “who— _who did it to you?_ ”

The once frayed and composed knight now more resembled a frayed, sleep-deprived barn owl.

“Who is that veiled woman?” Julius continued, his tone desperate and frantic. “Why did you run away from me when I asked you about her? Did she do it to you? Was she the person who made you die multiple times?” Julius finally paused, gulping for air like a run-out dog.

Subaru froze. How did he know about the fact he died multiple times? How did he know about Satella?

“I-uh” Subaru stammered, struggling to figure out what to say. “I-I”

All reservations Julius had about asking questions were gone. “ _What is the secret that is hurting you so much?_ ” Julius yelled.

Subaru was stunned into momentary silence. _He knows too much. If I let him know anything more there’s a chance Envy will be pissed. Shit. Fuck. Shit shit shit shitshit._

“I-I uhm” Subaru stuttered. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to _do._

Julius’ grip on his shirt faltered, and he began to tremble.

“Am I such a pathetic failure of a knight that you can’t tell me what’s bothering you?” Julius sobbed, his voice wavering feebly.

He grabbed Subaru’s shirt with his second hand and pressed his forehead against Subaru’s, causing his hot warm tears to spill onto Subaru’s face. “D-do you think that I can just sit here, watching you get terrorized by the people in your past? It is very clear to me that you are in danger.”

“N-no.” Subaru denied.

“It’s- I trust you but-”

“Then let me help you,” Julius muttered softly, desperately--

\----He wasn’t asking for permission.

Julius still was on top of him, pressing Subaru down on the bed. His intense gaze told him he wouldn’t let go unless he gave him a satisfactory answer.

And even then, Julius would not leave him alone, especially if he found out he was lying.

\-----

\------------ He was out of options. 

Subaru accepted that. He didn’t, but he didn’t know what else to do. He needed to calm himself down.

If he said it slowly, then perhaps he would feel Envy’s interference and-

\------- _Blood dripped out of the corner of the dashing knight’s mouth._

\----“I-I”

Sweat beaded his brow as his breath hiccupped between his trembling lips.

“I have--” 

“----”

\-------- _“Don’t be… sorry...Subaru.” The dying knight raised his hand, slowly, trembling, with all of his effort, and gently cupped Subaru’s cheek with his hand._

\----He was scared.

_How was he going to tell Reinhard and Felix that he murdered their best friend?_

The risk was too great. It wasn’t worth it.

_How could ever face Joshua when it was his fault the brother, he idolized ever so much was dead because of him? What on earth would he say to Anastasia?_

“I’m sorr--”

_What would he say to himself whenever he looked into the mirror?_

Julius slumped in disappointment, his eyes clouded in guilt, sadness and-

_What would I say to Julius?_

_Natsuki Subaru did not want to live in a world without Julius. He unsheathed Julius’ sword and pointed it at his neck---_

Slowly.

All he had to do was say it slowly. If he said it slowly, then he wouldn’t accidentally slip out too much before feeling the witch's caress.

“I have-“

_His eyes, which were filled with so much tenderness and love the moment before, were now glazed over---_

_He was dead._

“--------------------- the ability to re-ret-”

The shadows underneath the bed morphed, twisted, and turned into the form of a veiled woman. A wicked smile spread across the silver-haired half-elf’s face.

His mouth hung open, too terrified to finish the sentence. He needed to repeat himself.

_With all of his might, he thrust the sword into his neck as a sharp pain coursed throughout his body_

“I have the ability to return by death”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the cliffhanger. I have been waiting to reach this point of the fic for a verrrrrrryyyy long time. Now, the real fun will begin :))))))))
> 
> Expect the next chapter to be finished before the start of Spring break!


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